Can You Believe This?!

Look at Abel & Belle as embryos that had been thawed and transferred to my womb after being frozen for 4.5 years!
Look at Abel one year later!
Look at Belle one year later!

Once again, I have to boast in our Lord - He sustained them in the freezer for 4.5 years, in my womb for 7 months, and in the NICU for 5 & 6 weeks... and He continues to sustain their little lives in our care. What grace!

12 Week Update

I had my first OB appointment last week at 11 weeks, but all the doctor did was an exam and take a lab test. Today, I had my 2nd OB appointment at 12 weeks and an ultrasound! Both babies appeared to be doing well and were moving around (Baby A was quite the wiggle worm...so much so that the tech had a difficult time getting his/her heart rate). Baby A gave us a nice side profile, but Baby B gave us a direct facing (the alien look-lol). Also, I've included my first belly pic at 12 weeks...still don't look very pregnant, but a little bigger. I'm definitely feeling my pants tighten, so I've begun using the rubber band trick, but I'm not big enough for maternity clothes yet. The NEDC nurse called on Tuesday and told me that I could stop all meds and shots, because their placentas had now taken over and were producing the proper hormones - Yay for no more shots 2x a day! I'm now officially out of the NEDC's care and solely in the care of my OB office. My next OB appointment isn't until February 17th and my next ultrasound won't be until I'm 20 weeks (the longest I've been without an ultrasound) where we will also hopefully find out their genders. My OB told me today to enjoy my month off until February 17th because that would be the longest they would go without seeing me being pregnant with twins. Once I hit 20 weeks, he says I will be coming in a lot more frequently than a singleton pregnancy.

9-Week Ultrasound

Above is the picture of our babies at 9 weeks 0 days (sorry that it is kind of blurry). By God's grace, both babies looked great and had heartbeats of 158 bpm & 174 bpm! I had always thought that ultrasounds would be exciting (and they are), but they also evoke a lot of fear each time. This pregnancy is such a struggle in learning to trust God. The NEDC is closed this week, so they won't call me with their take on it until next week - But, the local nurse said all looked wonderful and not to worry. They are starting to look more like babies now - In fact, Baby A on the left was kind enough to face us and give us a good look at his/her spinal cord and arm/leg buds. Both babies were moving around which was so cool to see!

Some of you have been asking how I've been feeling and what symptoms I have had... Overall, I feel normal! The strongest symptom was an increased hunger that began during the 2ww which has continued, though now I think my body is adjusting to the hCG and the increased hunger is beginning to taper off. I've had some slight nausea in the mornings and nights, but no vomiting and some days I'm exhausted. Also, I've had cramping since the 2ww and I always worry when that happens, but I've been told by the doctor and nurses that it can be normal for some women. I also think I've been so nervous about this pregnancy that sometimes it can cause my stomach to hurt...who knows? In general though, I don't "feel" pregnant most days and begin to wonder if I still am, but the nurse assured me at my ultrasound this morning that I am very pregnant. Thank You, Lord!

Still Our Hope

This song "Jesus Came to Earth" is from the Sovereign Grace Music's Children album "Awesome God." I appreciate Sovereign Grace for teaching children (and adults) biblical doctrine throughout their music, rather than moralistic fluff.

Anyhow, I have to keep reminding myself that the Gospel is still our hope and not this pregnancy. I'm only 8 weeks today and I still struggle with fear this early into the pregnancy. But, then I repent of fear (over and over again), preach the Gospel to myself, and remind myself that if God should take one or both of them home to Heaven, then by His grace, our life will go on to His glory...simply because of the message of this song. All the while, I am also thanking Him constantly for making it to 8 weeks and praying to make it all the way to a healthy delivery! :)

Merry Christmas and please do celebrate the awesome truth that "Jesus Came to Earth!"

5 Year Anniversary!!!

By God's grace, today, Aaron and I celebrate 5 years as husband and wife! We would had never guessed on December 17, 2005, that exactly 5 years later, I would be pregnant with our adopted twins (we didn't even know what embryo adoption was until 2006). God knew though - how cool. :)

We plan to celebrate tonight at Cracker Barrel - not the most romantic place, but I really want some chicken and dumplings!...this is assuming that I can find the strength to get dressed tonight, because I tend to get very fatigued these days between 6-8pm. lol

Heartbeat x2

God blessed us by allowing us to see 2 strong beating hearts today! Baby A's heart rate was 120 bpm and Baby B's heart rate was 124 bpm. Thank you, Lord!

Dr. K's follow-up call was encouraging yesterday. He told me that heartbeats are usually seen at 6 weeks, but not always. And he also said that everything looked normal on Thursday and he expected us to see heartbeats today. We prayed he was right - and he was! We were amazed at the miracle of it all - somewhere between Thursday and today, God just "turned on the switch" and their hearts began beating.

I also realized that today is December 14th. On November 16, they were thawed and transferred to my womb. So, less than a month ago, they were frozen in liquid nitrogen and today, their hearts are beating! Amazing.

We haven't officially heard from the NEDC regarding my ultrasound today, but the local sonographer said everything looked great. So, Lord willing, Dr. K will also be pleased with the results.

Please Pray!

The more I have read and researched, the more worried I have become. I feel that the babies should have already had heartbeats on Thursday. I am the only EA blogger who has not detected a heartbeat by the 6-week mark (those of us who had 6 week ultrasounds - mostly NEDC patients). I am scared. I know fear is a sin, but it is so hard to trust. Aaron has told me not to google and use the internet as a crutch for not trusting in God. I know that God will have His perfect plan no matter what. I read in Psalm 139 yesterday about God knitting us together in the womb and numbering all of our days. These babies' days have been numbered and Aaron and I have no idea how many days God has destined them for. We are only stewards of them for as long as He has sovereignly determined. I don't know what Tuesday's ultrasound will show. I am scared and trying to trust God, but humanly speaking, that is hard today and I feel like mess. Please pray.

I do have my follow-up call with Dr. K on Monday and I guess he will shed some more light on the situation, because I've only talked to nurses at this point and not a doctor.

6-Week Pictures

The 1st picture is Baby B. The 2nd picture is Baby A. And the 3rd picture shows both of them together in my womb - how fun! :)

And I did want to make mention that we obviously lost 1 of our 3 babies. We now have 8 babies in Heaven. But we are thankful that for now, God has seen fit to allow these 2 babies to stay on earth with us. Please pray that their hearts will start beating and that they will stay with us for a very, very long time! :)

6-Week Ultrasound

Well, the ultrasound showed TWINS! And, I have to admit that in my heart of hearts, before I even knew I was pregnant, I had a hunch that there were two in there. They both measured great. Baby A measured 6w1d and Baby B measured 5w5d (the tech said any variance within a week is normal) - they both had fetal poles and yolk sacs. The downside is that neither of their heartbeats were detected. The tech at my local fertility clinic said this isn't a worry, because I am only 6w0d today and they don't even have their own patients come for their 1st ultrasound until around 7 weeks (I'm not sure why the NEDC orders them at 6 weeks, because most fertility clinics wait until 7 weeks). I also immediately called the NEDC nurse and told her about not detecting their heartbeats and she said the same thing as my local tech - that they are mostly looking for fetal poles and sacs right now, but that she would like to see heartbeats on an ultrasound next week. So, I have to go for another scan next Tuesday. Please pray that the Lord would grant them beating hearts by then! My flesh is worried about my babies, but my spirit is at peace and trusting that God will continue growing them.

I do have pictures, but I will have to upload those later because we now have to head off to my brother-in-law's college graduation!

Beta # 2 Results

My numbers more than doubled - they are now over 3000 (though I can't remember the exact number - too much in shock at that moment)! My 1st ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, December 9th and we will see how many babies are growing and check for their heartbeat(s).

Thank you, God! We are so grateful for this good news that we don't deserve!

To Be Continued...

I never got Beta # 2 results today. I tried calling the NEDC, but couldn't get through to anyone. It seemed as though their phones may have been down. If so, then most likely their fax was also down and they may have never even received my results. I hope to hear from them tomorrow and will update. Praying that all is continuing to go well with our little one(s) and that Beta # 2 will show good numbers. After 13 days of waiting for my 1st Beta, I am waiting again - Ugh... :)

Beta #1 Results

This is Aaron. I wanted to be the one to share the good news that we found out today. Jennifer is pregnant with a beta of 1,123! Praise God!!!

We were blown away to be over 1,000. Jenn will go for a 2nd beta test on Wednesday. The NEDC said that they normally look for betas to double, but because this one is so high, they only want it to go up.

Of course this is still a very precarious time and our baby or babies still need much prayer, but we are so thankful to God for His blessings in our life today!

-Aaron

Post Transfer

Let me first off apologize for taking so long to update! Since Aaron and I don't have but about 10-15 tv channels, I decided to stay with my MIL so that I would be able to watch tv and distract myself during the 2ww. Aaron will be coming tomorrow and I will go home with him after Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. My MIL's computer was broken and she just got it back from a computer repairman. So, here is my update from the past week...

As I was getting dressed on Tuesday morning, one of the NEDC nurses called and told me to be sure that I had a full bladder when I arrived. I thought that was odd, because they have never called me the morning of a transfer before and this being my third time, I definitely knew the routine. (I found out after I had arrived though, that almost none of their girls had been arriving with full bladders this cycle.) However, I should have started drinking about 30 minutes earlier than I did to give the water time to reach my bladder. By the time we arrived at the NEDC, I wasn't "miserable" yet, so I continued to drink. I drank so fast that I caused myself to vomit twice (sorry if that is TMI) all over my hospital gown and bed prior to the transfer. The nurse had to give me a new gown to change into. And then I began having the hiccups... By the time, I went into the transfer room, I had drunk between seven to eight 16.9 oz water bottles - And Dr. K said that my bladder was only borderline full enough!!! Wow. But, thankfully, he did not have to use a catheter to fill me up. After all of that drama, he transferred 3 blastocysts into my womb. They were graded a 3CC, 4AB, and 4AA (4 were thawed, but one didn't survive and went to Heaven). So, now we just trust God, pray, and wait for the beta.

As anyone knows who has just had an embryo transfer and is during the 2ww, all you can think about is "did they implant or not?!" So, as I prepared to heat up a frozen pizza in my MIL's oven on Thursday, I was not thinking clearly and put the pizza on a plastic pizza dish - which of course started a fire in the oven. We called 911 and the firemen came. I also called Dr. K's after hours emergency phone number to ask if it was okay for me to stay in the house that night with the fumes of smoke and burnt plastic. Thankfully, he said that the embryos should not be harmed this early by the fumes. My MIL has a custom built oven in her wall which would have cost $1200 to replace! I was thankful because she knew a handyman who came over and cleaned out all of the burnt plastic and left the oven in almost the same condition prior to its fire. I would have felt so awful if I had cost my in-law's $1200!

I will now read all of your blogs and try to catch up with you guys! Keep praying for our babies and our hearts - we trust our good God!

Headed to Knoxville (again) Soon!

We leave tomorrow for Columbia for some family affairs this weekend (fitting for my sister-in-law's wedding, a "man day" for Aaron, his brother, and their dad, and we will also be dropping off our dog, Toby, for Aaron's mom to keep while we are in Knoxville). We will leave from Columbia early on Monday morning to drive to Knoxville. The embryo transfer will be at 11:00 on Tuesday morning. Please pray for our babies and for us. Our hearts are wayward and continue to swing between faith and fear. But, I do know that no matter what God's will is, we will be okay.

It may take awhile for me to post an update though, because we use a desktop and don't have a laptop to take. I will try to post an update and their picture as soon as I am able to use a computer.

We hope that the 3rd time really is the charm! :)

Our Hope

If you read the GirlTalk blog, you saw this video months ago. But, I know many of my blog followers are not GirlTalk readers, so I wanted to share it with you too! This animation is why you will never hear Aaron or me say that we "deserve" a baby, because the reality is that we were once God's enemies (Romans 5:10) and don't even deserve to be a servant in His house. We deserve Hell. And yet, God has made us more than His servants - through Jesus, He has made us His precious, beloved, & adopted children in His house! And this is why, no matter what happens with this 3rd embryo transfer, I know that we will be okay. Because the Gospel is our hope - and not embryo adoption or any other means to holding children in our arms. We're just so thankful to know with absolute certainty that God is always holding us in His arms as we walk through this life and into the life to come.

Transfer Date!

I have hemmed and hawed about whether or not to post the date of my 3rd FET, because I really wanted this time to just be intimate between God, Aaron, and me. However, the more I have thought about it, I have realized that I want these next babies to have the same attention that our other babies have had (and share their picture on transfer day). They are just as special - whether or not God continues their lives on earth or calls them home to Heaven. I also have had such a great support of prayer warriors, that I feel I owe them (you) specifics to pray for.

So, without further ado...Transfer date is Tuesday, November 16th - 2 weeks from today! :)

That I Have Erred...

When reading a prayer entitled "Desires" in The Valley of Vision (page 106), these lines captured my eyes and heart...

"...that I have erred both on the side of my hopes and also of my fears, that I am unfit to choose for myself, for it is not in me to direct my steps..."

AMEN!

"God Moves"

Back in 2005, I purchased the "Worship God Live" CD from Sovereign Grace Music. "God Moves" was one of the two songs that I least listened to on the CD. I listened to the other songs numerous times as they drew my heart closer to the Savior, but at the time, I wasn't intensely suffering (life is always throwing curve balls, but I wasn't in the valley, like I am today). Five years later, I am listening to this song over and over again. Each word describes my heart so perfectly. I especially love the line that says "Behind a frowning providence, He (God) hides a smiling face." The song has been updated by Sovereign Grace from an old hymn written by William Cowper.

I'm not returning to my "normal" blogging anytime soon, but will post some of what God is teaching and doing in my life right now as I feel led to post. I can most definitely say, that in spite of the pain, He is doing a great work in my heart and I'm slowly gaining renewed hope...not so much about our 3rd transfer, but just about filling our home with children in some amazing way that He already has planned. I'm not clinging to this 3rd transfer resulting in a pregnancy and birth. Yes, I believe God can do that. But of course, He will have His perfect way no matter the outcome. I'm not dwelling on it. In fact, whenever I think about the upcoming transfer, I'm intentional about refocusing my thoughts on Jesus and not the transfer. The reason for this is because, HE alone is my HOPE - not embryo adoption.

Please Bear With Me For Awhile...

I hate and love when the Holy Spirit convicts my heart of sin. I hate it because I'm reminded once again how wicked my heart truly is and how wretched I am apart from Christ. I love it because I'm forced to run to the Cross of Christ and am pushed deeper into the glories of Calvary - where I realize how amazing His grace truly is for a sinner such as myself!

All this to say that He has convicted me of sin lately. The first sin is idolatry. While we believe God called us to EA, I have made the hope of holding children in my arms an idol. I have felt "hopeless" a lot recently, which revealed to me that I have an idol. Since JESUS is my HOPE, I should never feel hopeless. When I do feel hopeless, I have replaced God with a "god" of my own desires. The second sin is jealousy. When God hasn't given me my desires yet, but I see others becoming pregnant and birthing babies thru EA, I'm jealous. A year ago, I was encouraged and excited when EA mommies were posting pregnancy updates, because I would think "This works and will hopefully be me soon!" However, after 1 negative beta and 1 very early miscarriage, I am no longer as excited, but rather jealous. I want to want what God in His kindness and sovereignty has chosen not to give me at this point. Both idolatry and envy are sins that nailed my Savior to the cross - I cannot take these sins lightly. By His grace, I must repent and do everything I can to flee temptation.

Thus, I am thinking that I may be a little more quiet with the blogging world for awhile. I may or may not post many details about our 3rd embryo transfer. I want to focus on Jesus and His will for Aaron and me. His plan will unfold beautifully in His time. Also, I may not read or comment on other blogs as much right now. Please know that I love and am continuing to pray for you guys. However, my greatest priority is Jesus and if I find that my heart is tempted to dishonor Him thru jealousy some days more than others, I may choose not to read your posts. But, on days when I more feel His grace empowering me to fight sin, I will choose to read and comment. Please bear with me for awhile. :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

Thoughts Regarding Our 3rd Transfer...

We have chosen our new embryos to adopt next month. We only have 1 profile this time, no back-ups because this profile has 12 blastocysts! In fact, I later found out from the patient coordinator that this donor had even more embryos so they split them into two separate profiles. Someone out there already has the other half...I wonder if they're pregnant right now???

Am I feeling any better? Yes and no. God's grace is indeed sufficient, but we are still hurting. Even though we are still grieving, we have chosen to jump right back into the November cycle for several reasons:

1) Even though our insurance doesn't pay for the actual embryo transfer, it does cover a portion of my ultrasounds and lab work. Since I have already met my deductible for 2010, it seems foolish to pay more in 2011.

2) Even if we wait until a later transfer cycle, I know we will still feel the same...it's hard not to to be guarded and scared after having 2 embryo transfers result with shattered hope.

3) After pursuing embryo adoption for the past year and a half, we want to close out our NEDC journey in 2010. We don't want to drag it into 2011 (happy or sad news). If our final transfer doesn't result in a continued pregnancy, then we want to start the new year with a different chapter.

4) God called us to embryo adoption and He never said it would be easy. Rather, it is necessary to save frozen lives. For example, God calls a missionary overseas and he really doesn't want to leave home. He is scared and overwhelmed at the task set before him. Yet, he knows God has called him to go, so he is obedient. That's where Aaron and I are right now. We don't know what God will choose to do this 3rd time around, but even when we don't completely want to try again, we are choosing to obey. We have 100% belief that God can continue these babies' lives, but we don't presume to know His will for them or for us.