Congratulations to Jeff & Tracey!

Sorry this is a little late, but please head over to Jeff & Tracey's blog and congratulate them on the birth of their daughter, Brielle Isabelle! Brielle is Abel & Belle's genetic sister. They were all conceived and frozen in 2006 but adopted at different times and into different families. We are grateful that Abel & Belle will be able to grow up knowing Brielle. Praise God for writing such a beautiful story!

Why our God Isn't a God of Second Chances...and that is Good News!

Here is a post that Aaron recently wrote for our local church's blog. There is lots of truth in his post and a lot of reason to celebrate that God isn't a God of second chances!

One Year Ago...

...we posted this.

One year later, we are blessed to be able to post these:



Hasn't God been good?!

Welcome Home, Miss Belle Marie!!!

Praise God! - Belle was discharged today! Please continue to pray for Abel to come home soon too. The NICU staff thinks he will also be discharged between 2-4 weeks from now. He is now off of his IV fluids and is slowly digesting better, but isn't quite there yet. Our miniature dachshund, Toby, thinks Belle is just the coolest thing ever...he is very intrigued with her and already seems to be protective of her! :)

I'm Home!

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday evening - it was glorious! After being there for 11 days, I was very ready to come home. The 2nd surgery was the result of the c-section the day prior. Apparently, the doctor had to cut through a thick vein to get one of the babies out. When he closed me up on Saturday, it was dry and there was no bleeding. Within a few hours though, it popped and caused some major internal bleeding and it took awhile for them to find out where I was bleeding. Sunday was a very scary day - all of my vital signs were dropping and I felt lifeless. Thank you for everyone who prayed! God heard your prayers on my behalf. I'm still not completely well...still getting over preeclampsia with high blood pressure and excessive swelling and just recovering from the pain and soreness of two surgeries. So, please forgive me if I am not commenting on your blog posts right now. I have read everyone's and am up to date but am just still very weak and tired.

Abel and Belle are doing well. The neonatologist wouldn't let Abel feed Thursday or Friday because his tummy was showing some distress and not digesting well. However, things have improved and they resumed his feedings today! I felt so awful for him, knowing he must have been so hungry. I did try pumping while in the hospital and could never get anything but a few drops of colostrum. The nurse practitioner in the NICU encouraged me that my body has been through a lot and may not produce milk well due to the illnessses I'm still healing from. So, I think we are back to our original plan of formula. I would have loved to give them the extra antibodies in breastmilk, but it's just not there. I've been enjoying Kangaroo Care with them and hope to post some new pictures of them soon. It is hard leaving them in the NICU, but I'm thankful for modern medicine and how God uses it to care for preemies.

5 Year Anniversary!!!

By God's grace, today, Aaron and I celebrate 5 years as husband and wife! We would had never guessed on December 17, 2005, that exactly 5 years later, I would be pregnant with our adopted twins (we didn't even know what embryo adoption was until 2006). God knew though - how cool. :)

We plan to celebrate tonight at Cracker Barrel - not the most romantic place, but I really want some chicken and dumplings!...this is assuming that I can find the strength to get dressed tonight, because I tend to get very fatigued these days between 6-8pm. lol

Heartbeat x2

God blessed us by allowing us to see 2 strong beating hearts today! Baby A's heart rate was 120 bpm and Baby B's heart rate was 124 bpm. Thank you, Lord!

Dr. K's follow-up call was encouraging yesterday. He told me that heartbeats are usually seen at 6 weeks, but not always. And he also said that everything looked normal on Thursday and he expected us to see heartbeats today. We prayed he was right - and he was! We were amazed at the miracle of it all - somewhere between Thursday and today, God just "turned on the switch" and their hearts began beating.

I also realized that today is December 14th. On November 16, they were thawed and transferred to my womb. So, less than a month ago, they were frozen in liquid nitrogen and today, their hearts are beating! Amazing.

We haven't officially heard from the NEDC regarding my ultrasound today, but the local sonographer said everything looked great. So, Lord willing, Dr. K will also be pleased with the results.

Beta #1 Results

This is Aaron. I wanted to be the one to share the good news that we found out today. Jennifer is pregnant with a beta of 1,123! Praise God!!!

We were blown away to be over 1,000. Jenn will go for a 2nd beta test on Wednesday. The NEDC said that they normally look for betas to double, but because this one is so high, they only want it to go up.

Of course this is still a very precarious time and our baby or babies still need much prayer, but we are so thankful to God for His blessings in our life today!

-Aaron

Post Transfer

Let me first off apologize for taking so long to update! Since Aaron and I don't have but about 10-15 tv channels, I decided to stay with my MIL so that I would be able to watch tv and distract myself during the 2ww. Aaron will be coming tomorrow and I will go home with him after Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. My MIL's computer was broken and she just got it back from a computer repairman. So, here is my update from the past week...

As I was getting dressed on Tuesday morning, one of the NEDC nurses called and told me to be sure that I had a full bladder when I arrived. I thought that was odd, because they have never called me the morning of a transfer before and this being my third time, I definitely knew the routine. (I found out after I had arrived though, that almost none of their girls had been arriving with full bladders this cycle.) However, I should have started drinking about 30 minutes earlier than I did to give the water time to reach my bladder. By the time we arrived at the NEDC, I wasn't "miserable" yet, so I continued to drink. I drank so fast that I caused myself to vomit twice (sorry if that is TMI) all over my hospital gown and bed prior to the transfer. The nurse had to give me a new gown to change into. And then I began having the hiccups... By the time, I went into the transfer room, I had drunk between seven to eight 16.9 oz water bottles - And Dr. K said that my bladder was only borderline full enough!!! Wow. But, thankfully, he did not have to use a catheter to fill me up. After all of that drama, he transferred 3 blastocysts into my womb. They were graded a 3CC, 4AB, and 4AA (4 were thawed, but one didn't survive and went to Heaven). So, now we just trust God, pray, and wait for the beta.

As anyone knows who has just had an embryo transfer and is during the 2ww, all you can think about is "did they implant or not?!" So, as I prepared to heat up a frozen pizza in my MIL's oven on Thursday, I was not thinking clearly and put the pizza on a plastic pizza dish - which of course started a fire in the oven. We called 911 and the firemen came. I also called Dr. K's after hours emergency phone number to ask if it was okay for me to stay in the house that night with the fumes of smoke and burnt plastic. Thankfully, he said that the embryos should not be harmed this early by the fumes. My MIL has a custom built oven in her wall which would have cost $1200 to replace! I was thankful because she knew a handyman who came over and cleaned out all of the burnt plastic and left the oven in almost the same condition prior to its fire. I would have felt so awful if I had cost my in-law's $1200!

I will now read all of your blogs and try to catch up with you guys! Keep praying for our babies and our hearts - we trust our good God!

Our Hope

If you read the GirlTalk blog, you saw this video months ago. But, I know many of my blog followers are not GirlTalk readers, so I wanted to share it with you too! This animation is why you will never hear Aaron or me say that we "deserve" a baby, because the reality is that we were once God's enemies (Romans 5:10) and don't even deserve to be a servant in His house. We deserve Hell. And yet, God has made us more than His servants - through Jesus, He has made us His precious, beloved, & adopted children in His house! And this is why, no matter what happens with this 3rd embryo transfer, I know that we will be okay. Because the Gospel is our hope - and not embryo adoption or any other means to holding children in our arms. We're just so thankful to know with absolute certainty that God is always holding us in His arms as we walk through this life and into the life to come.

"God Moves"

Back in 2005, I purchased the "Worship God Live" CD from Sovereign Grace Music. "God Moves" was one of the two songs that I least listened to on the CD. I listened to the other songs numerous times as they drew my heart closer to the Savior, but at the time, I wasn't intensely suffering (life is always throwing curve balls, but I wasn't in the valley, like I am today). Five years later, I am listening to this song over and over again. Each word describes my heart so perfectly. I especially love the line that says "Behind a frowning providence, He (God) hides a smiling face." The song has been updated by Sovereign Grace from an old hymn written by William Cowper.

I'm not returning to my "normal" blogging anytime soon, but will post some of what God is teaching and doing in my life right now as I feel led to post. I can most definitely say, that in spite of the pain, He is doing a great work in my heart and I'm slowly gaining renewed hope...not so much about our 3rd transfer, but just about filling our home with children in some amazing way that He already has planned. I'm not clinging to this 3rd transfer resulting in a pregnancy and birth. Yes, I believe God can do that. But of course, He will have His perfect way no matter the outcome. I'm not dwelling on it. In fact, whenever I think about the upcoming transfer, I'm intentional about refocusing my thoughts on Jesus and not the transfer. The reason for this is because, HE alone is my HOPE - not embryo adoption.

Please Bear With Me For Awhile...

I hate and love when the Holy Spirit convicts my heart of sin. I hate it because I'm reminded once again how wicked my heart truly is and how wretched I am apart from Christ. I love it because I'm forced to run to the Cross of Christ and am pushed deeper into the glories of Calvary - where I realize how amazing His grace truly is for a sinner such as myself!

All this to say that He has convicted me of sin lately. The first sin is idolatry. While we believe God called us to EA, I have made the hope of holding children in my arms an idol. I have felt "hopeless" a lot recently, which revealed to me that I have an idol. Since JESUS is my HOPE, I should never feel hopeless. When I do feel hopeless, I have replaced God with a "god" of my own desires. The second sin is jealousy. When God hasn't given me my desires yet, but I see others becoming pregnant and birthing babies thru EA, I'm jealous. A year ago, I was encouraged and excited when EA mommies were posting pregnancy updates, because I would think "This works and will hopefully be me soon!" However, after 1 negative beta and 1 very early miscarriage, I am no longer as excited, but rather jealous. I want to want what God in His kindness and sovereignty has chosen not to give me at this point. Both idolatry and envy are sins that nailed my Savior to the cross - I cannot take these sins lightly. By His grace, I must repent and do everything I can to flee temptation.

Thus, I am thinking that I may be a little more quiet with the blogging world for awhile. I may or may not post many details about our 3rd embryo transfer. I want to focus on Jesus and His will for Aaron and me. His plan will unfold beautifully in His time. Also, I may not read or comment on other blogs as much right now. Please know that I love and am continuing to pray for you guys. However, my greatest priority is Jesus and if I find that my heart is tempted to dishonor Him thru jealousy some days more than others, I may choose not to read your posts. But, on days when I more feel His grace empowering me to fight sin, I will choose to read and comment. Please bear with me for awhile. :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

Our Blessing(s?)!!!

The movers got ahead of schedule in their packing and loading on Tuesday. Because of that, they were able to deliver our belongings and furniture a day early - which meant that we were able to officially move into our house yesterday! :)

I knew that I wanted to take a HPT when Aaron was around and so I had planned to test Friday morning before my beta. However, when we moved into our house a day early, we decided to test on Thursday morning. We became so impatient that I convinced Aaron to let us test last night. We both stood there while the 3-minute clock (it felt more like 3 hours) took its precious time calculating my results. I became so nervous that I said to Aaron, "Let's go out of the room and come back in the room in a few minutes." Aaron said, "No, I want to watch it." But, I left the room and shouted from the other room, "It's taking too long - it's going to be negative because if it was positive, it would have known by now." (After all of my trust in God answering with a "YES!", I'm ashamed to say that I let fear take over my heart the minute I opened the test...) Midway thru my sentence, Aaron shouted "It says "YES!" - I ran and looked at that test and couldn't believe my eyes! (It was kind of backwards...usually a wife takes a HPT and tells her husband she's pregnant, but I was too nervous to look so my husband knew before I did - haha). Since I had 2 HPTs in my box, I took another one at 4:00am and it also said "YES!" It's still so early, but we couldn't help but tell our family, who of course are thrilled! PRAYING FOR STRONG BETA NUMBERS TOMORROW! :)

Thank you, Jesus! We are so thankful for this blessing(s?)!

Psalm 113:9 (Again)

My mom read Psalm 113:9 in her daily devotions on the day we closed on our house and 3 days before our embryo transfer. I have a "Read thru the Bible in a Year" Bible, in which you daily read a portion of the Old & New Testament, and a few verses from Psalms and Proverbs each day. After 365 days, you have read thru the entire Bible.

Today, the week of my beta, part of my Psalms reading was this verse...

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" - Psalm 113:9

I think God is continuing to encourage my faith this week. And, while I don't know what this week holds, I believe that one day, He will bless us with children in this new house. Praying that it will begin with a positive test this week! :)

Our House

Once we get our furniture and belongings moved in on Thursday, blinds installed, some color painted on the wall (and the builders' port-a-potty moved away from our Master BR window), our house should start feeling like our home. We are so thankful to God for blessing us with this house!

For Every Fear...Look to Christ

For years, I have been reading the Girltalk Blog - "Conversations on Biblical Womanhood and Other Fun Stuff." I hadn't read it in about a week, but had a friend post this quote on her Facebook status, it immediately struck me with joy and conviction.

“For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: ‘forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.” (Carolyn Mahaney)

I had assumed that she had probably gotten it from the Girltalk blog, so I visited their site and yes, it was from there - Please read the blog post! After reading the post, I have decided for every imaginary fear that creeps up, I'm looking to Christ instead and remaining joyful and hopeful. And if that fear becomes a reality, Christ will be there on the other side.

P.S. I am not taking a HPT until the morning of our beta, because Aaron and I will only be together Sunday (which seems a bit early since my beta isn't until Friday) and Thursday night/ Friday morning. Friday will be our first morning waking up in our new home - I am trusting God that we will also be celebrating other news too! :)

THREE Babies in the Womb!

God answered our prayer in that we didn't have to thaw our back-up embryos and pay close to $900 in fees! All 4 of our first choice embryos were thawed; 3 survived and 1 is now in Heaven with our other 2 babies. We were sad to hear that we lost one, but thankful that I now have THREE babies in my belly!

We had 2 expanding hatching blasts graded a 3AB & 3BB and 1 blast graded a 3AB. We were a little saddened to hear that they weren't as far along in their development than a grade 3. Last time we had a 5AB and a 6AA (a 6AA is the highest grading) and yet, neither attached. So, we know grading doesn't mean anything - God's sovereignty means everything! Pregnancies do come from grade 3 embryos (after all, we were all once a grade 3 embryo in the womb!), so we're trusting that God's grace will continue growing them. The embryologist did say that if they continued to grow, that our expanding hatching 3AB baby would likely implant today or tomorrow! My beta isn't until Friday, October 1st which surprised me (which is 12 days past transfer) and my last beta was only 9 days past transfer. October 1st seems so far away! But, all we can do is continue praying for their little lives and wait. :)

Our 3 precious babies!

P.S. I will get around to checking in on my other EA blogging mommies soon!

More Happy News!

We have a closing date on our house - Thursday, September 16th! Yep - only 3 days before our embryo transfer! We will close on Thursday, drive to Knoxville on Saturday, transfer on Sunday, and drive back to Columbia on Monday. Since this is coinciding so close to our FET, I will be in Columbia for another week or so to rest and take it easy. We plan to actually move in the last week in September which is also my beta test. I have my last ultrasound and lab drawn tomorrow and if all looks good, then I will begin PIO on Wednesday. :)

For around two years, I have prayed for Aaron to be able to transfer to a city closer to SC (our home) - somewhere we felt in faith to buy a house, settle and make roots for awhile. When we moved to Greensboro in 2008, we knew that it wasn't "home" (although, we LOVED and so greatly miss our church family there! - you guys were "home" to us...just nothing else there!). Along with this prayer, I have also prayed that when God did allow us to move, that we could either have a child in our arms or growing in my womb. When Aaron got the news the day before our July FET that he was being transferred to Gastonia, I thought that God was answering this prayer exactly how I wanted. Of course, the negative beta caused me to think otherwise (although, I knew His plan was best!). However, we haven't actually moved to the Gastonia area yet, but Lord willing, the day we actually move in with our furniture and our belongings, I may have news of a positive beta. Wouldn't that be so kind of God? No matter what His will is, we trust Him because He is God - and we are only us.

Happy News!

I have happy news! We confirmed today that our first choice embryos (set of 4) have NO additional fees that we would be required to pay on transfer day! Each set of embryos have possible fees attached to them such as shipping (from the clinic where they were to conceived to the NEDC), possible storage, and/or STD testing on the genetic parents - all of these fees are paid by the adopting parents. Our embryos from our July transfer cost us a little over $300 in these fees.

However, if none of these babies survive the thaw and the embryologist has to thaw our "back-up" embryos, we would be required to pay close to $900. Given that 65% of blastocysts survive the thawing process and our first set has 4 blasts, Lord willing, we shouldn't have to thaw our "back-ups." Obviously, with funding the 1st and 2nd transfers (including medications, ultrasounds, and labwork) and purchasing our first house, this is needed news for our bank account. Praising God for His kindness in this and praying that our 1st choice babies will survive the thaw, transfer, and attach to my womb this time.

P.S. We should hopefully be closing on our new house sometime within the next 2 weeks - right around our embryo transfer. Busy, Busy!

Mission Accomplished

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have believed this verse for many years, but how could we know that Paul was absolutely right without being able to experience it for ourselves? We couldn't and we believe that is one reason why God allows suffering. While we are still sad and grieving the loss of our two children, God's grace has never been more real to us. We definitely feel prayers on our behalf and God's grace is indeed carrying us through this difficult time. I was even able to attend my friend's baby shower yesterday and share in her joy - that was definitely God's grace!

God, in His kindness, has also not given us much time to sit and dwell on this loss due to our move this weekend and looking to buy our first house (we were actually meeting with a realtor on Thursday when we received word that my beta was negative). Today is August 1st which means our 2nd embryo transfer will be next month! With all of that going on, we don't have much time to stay in the valley. We feel God's strength enabling us to move forward and look ahead to all He has in store - What grace!

And at the end of the day, our mission was accomplished. God called us to rescue these frozen lives and we did. They were frozen and now they have "woken up" in the arms of Jesus. We feel so privileged that God used us to build His Kingdom is such a special way! But, we are most definitely continuing to pray that He would allow our next children to have birth on this earth!

P.S. I begin BCPs tonight. We receive new profiles to review this week, and my new protocol should be sent in the next 2-3 weeks. Again, we are literally jumping right back into saving more frozen lives! And we are very excited to become parents again. :)