That I Have Erred...

When reading a prayer entitled "Desires" in The Valley of Vision (page 106), these lines captured my eyes and heart...

"...that I have erred both on the side of my hopes and also of my fears, that I am unfit to choose for myself, for it is not in me to direct my steps..."

AMEN!

Mission Accomplished

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have believed this verse for many years, but how could we know that Paul was absolutely right without being able to experience it for ourselves? We couldn't and we believe that is one reason why God allows suffering. While we are still sad and grieving the loss of our two children, God's grace has never been more real to us. We definitely feel prayers on our behalf and God's grace is indeed carrying us through this difficult time. I was even able to attend my friend's baby shower yesterday and share in her joy - that was definitely God's grace!

God, in His kindness, has also not given us much time to sit and dwell on this loss due to our move this weekend and looking to buy our first house (we were actually meeting with a realtor on Thursday when we received word that my beta was negative). Today is August 1st which means our 2nd embryo transfer will be next month! With all of that going on, we don't have much time to stay in the valley. We feel God's strength enabling us to move forward and look ahead to all He has in store - What grace!

And at the end of the day, our mission was accomplished. God called us to rescue these frozen lives and we did. They were frozen and now they have "woken up" in the arms of Jesus. We feel so privileged that God used us to build His Kingdom is such a special way! But, we are most definitely continuing to pray that He would allow our next children to have birth on this earth!

P.S. I begin BCPs tonight. We receive new profiles to review this week, and my new protocol should be sent in the next 2-3 weeks. Again, we are literally jumping right back into saving more frozen lives! And we are very excited to become parents again. :)

Our 100th Post

I was hoping that our 100th post would be something really exciting and special to announce. And, it is...Just not in the way we had planned...

Our babies are now in Heaven with Jesus!!! We are obviously sad and grieving their loss, but are humbled and grateful that the Lord used us to get them out of the freezer and into His arms! How awesome is that?!

We have cried today and are continuing to grieve their loss. But, overall, God has given us more grace and peace than we could've imagined. We plan to go back to the NEDC in September. The NEDC nurse told me to stop my current meds to begin a new cycle. As soon as my new cycle begins, I will start the BCPs, followed by Lupron in August, to hopefully rescue more frozen babies in September.

God's grace truly is sufficient. And we love our Savior and are so comforted to know that they are in His arms! :)

1 Week Post-Transfer

A week ago, our babies were placed in my womb. Today, they've either implanted in my womb or are now in Heaven. The wait of not knowing where they are today is driving us crazy! I almost bought a HPT, but I restrained myself. 2 more days until my beta - Thursday can't come soon enough!

Did I mention that this wait is absolute torture?!

Trusting in God's perfect plan for them and for us no matter what that may be...

Jennifer :)

Back from the NEDC w/Our Babies!

First off, let me say that God was so gracious to us in every way! We had originally reserved a hotel room for $95/night, but on Monday 2 hours before we left for Knoxville, our future-sister-law (who is a hotel employee) was able to book us a different hotel in the Knoxville area for only $35/night! We had beautiful weather driving down, I-40 was now back open (it was closed off due to the rock slides when we traveled in March). Ashley & Dusty met up with Aaron and me for ice cream the night before our transfers, so we were able to meet in person which was awesome! So, in just these things alone, God richly blessed our trip.

Arriving at the NEDC at 9:30am on Tuesday morning! (The sun was definitely in our eyes.)

Now, for the babies' transfer details...

First off (again for this section) - The NEDC staff is wonderful! They took such good care of us and our babies. I know you Snowflake families are biased to the Snowflake program, but the NEDC totally outdid themselves for our embryo adoption - they, I say again, were just fantastic! :)

God answered our prayers in that our first two babies survived the thaw. Not only did they survive the thaw, they looked really healthy. We had one expanded blastocyst graded a 5AB and one hatched blastocyst graded a 6AA! We don't take "grading" to mean too much, because we know that God chooses which lives to continue growing on earth and which He decides to usher into Heaven. All embryos equally need a chance at birth no matter what their "grading" may be. However, what parents wouldn't want to hear from the doctor that their babies looked healthy!? - We were obviously very thankful. Our hatched blast had actually already hatched prior to freezing and in Dr. K's words "this one is wanting to attach" followed by him saying "but, there are no guarantees, it's out of my hands." To which Aaron replied, "But, we know Whose hands they are in!" Indeed we do. Beta is on July 29th - Praying for strong numbers! :)

Our expanded blast is on the left and our hatched blast is on the right. The darker areas are the actual babies and the lighter areas are what will (Lord willing) become their placentas. As you can see from our picture, the hatched blast baby had completely broken through his/her shell. :)

Ashley & Me

A rainbow across the shopping center where we enjoyed ice cream - Ashley and I decided to take that as a good sign! (Haha - I'm not really superstitious) But, it was a gorgeous rainbow.

One PIO Down (and many more to go-I hope!)

Well, my ultrasound and labs were great on Wednesday - they wanted my lining at least 8mm and I was at 9.7mm. So, I was given clearance to begin my PIO injections this morning. We were blessed in having a friend locally who has done IVF herself come over and show Aaron how to inject me. Even though we're not actually going through an IVF cycle ourselves, these shots are used in both fresh IVF cycles and frozen embryo cycles. I think having her show him in person how to do it will really help us a lot. She did reiterate what so many others have also told me - these shots hurt a lot, especially by the end of it. I'm already a little sore from this morning's shot, but it's mind over matter, I guess. Ashley did tell me about EMLA cream which is supposed to numb the area prior to injection. I asked the NEDC nurse to call in the prescription for it at my local pharmacy. However, I wasn't aware that you had to put it on your skin at least an hour prior to injection, so I didn't use it this morning. It will be hard to fit that into my schedule before work in the morning, but I plan on using it for my evening shots.

All is well - Our babies will be getting out of the freezer and Lord willing, in my belly on Tuesday morning at 10:15am! Please pray that they will both survive the thaw and transfer well - to hopefully implant sometime mid-next week (I read that an embryo at the blastocyst stage should attach to the uterus 24-48 hours after an embryo transfer).

9 Days Until Transfer!

I took my last Lupron shot tonight (Yay!) and have now increased my Estrace tablets from 2/day to 3/day. I have my final ultrasound and lab this Wednesday at 8:30am and if all looks good, then the NEDC nurses will give me the "green light" to start my dreaded Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shots on Friday - Oh how I've been dreading these shots since the beginning. But, after over a year of waiting, I'm so glad that it's finally time to start them. I will take the PIO twice a day 4 days prior to transfer, during my wait before my BETA blood test, and if positive, then I'll continue them throughout the 1st trimester! - So, like I keep saying, I hope the "yuckiness" gets worse from a continued pregnancy. :)

The NEDC nurse confirmed that my BETA would be scheduled with a local doctor on July 29th - only 9 days after my transfer! I don't think that I'll be taking any HPTs - I think I can wait for my BETA. Ashley and Christina have already told me that they will be taking HPTs, but I don't think I'm going to (but since my BETA is first, we'll probably all find out around the same time anyway). Also, if I can make it the next 9 days until transfer without going insane, then I can also most likely make it 9 days after transfer for my BETA. :)

2 Weeks from Transfer!

Today officially marks 2 weeks before my embryo transfer. After over a year of waiting, I can't believe that it's almost here! Actually, it still doesn't feel "real." Of course, now that we have been given a date, been matched with embryos, started my meds, had my 1st ultrasound and estradiol check, and received a phone call from the NEDC billing office today regarding our final fees, it feels "more real" but still very surreal!!! We did receive some additional information last week about our babies' genetic family and healthy history and from what I estimated, I think they've been frozen for about 3.5 years (although I don't know for sure because we don't yet have the exact dates of when they were conceived and frozen). That is surreal in and of itself - it is even more surreal that Lord willing, they'll thaw perfectly and then be transferred to my womb in 2 weeks. As I write this post at 6:28pm EST, two weeks from now at this very minute, Lord willing, I will be carrying 2 precious babies in my womb. Amazing!

Please keep Aaron, me, and our babies in your prayers - Please pray for their continued survival and that the Lord would grant birth to them next spring! :)

Ultrasound and Lab Results

My ultrasound and estradiol bloodwork came back within the acceptable ranges yesterday, so I now have the NEDC's approval to begin my Estrace tomorrow. I haven't felt well at all today...I really think the Lupron is causing some side effects...headaches, stomach aches, just a general yucky feeling. And, I'm sure the other meds I'll be starting over the next couple of weeks won't help either. Anyhow, I'm not complaining at all - I love the fact that I'm doing something to make my body a warm and hospitable environment for our two precious babies on July 20th. I will even most gladly welcome pregnancy sickness, if it means that they're growing the way they should be. So, yes, I'm praying that the "yucky" feeling continues to get worse. :)

3 Weeks Until Transfer!

We had a refreshing time at Hilton Head Island, SC this weekend with family. It was a great way to get out of our routine and something fun to break-up the time between now and July 20th (transfer date)!

I took my last BCP on Saturday (Yay!). My Lupron shots have been going well overall - nothing too scary or painful. It burns for about 5-10 minutes after the injection, but then the pain subsides. Even though I have been injecting at various places in my abdomen, I did notice a small bruise today. Is this normal? - Have any other FET mommies had their Lupron to cause bruising? After every injection, I always begin to doubt myself with thoughts such as "Am I 100% sure that I had the syringe marked at exactly 10 units?," "Am I 100% sure that I injected it at least 2 inches away from my belly button?" etc..." This is just so important and since I'm not a nurse, I think way too much about these little shots! Haha

I have my first of two ultrasounds and labs with a local RE on Wednesday morning and if everything looks the way it should, I will begin my Estrace on Wednesday! I can't believe our transfer is almost finally here - Lord willing, 3 weeks from tomorrow, our babies will be in my belly!!!

A Little More About Our Babies...

In my last post, I gave the basic info regarding our match(es), but I didn't explain it all in depth...

For right now, we are the parents of two children - not six. The first set of two embryos (genetic siblings) will be thawed first. So, if they both survive the thaw, the embryologist will not thaw any more embryos. However, if one or both of them do not survive the thaw, then the embryologist will continue to thaw one at a time until we have 2-3 embryos to transfer. If our first two embryos do survive the thaw, we will transfer them and the remaining 4 embryos will go back into the pool of adoptable embryos for the next NEDC transfer cycle (in September) and they will not be our children. Unlike Ashley and her husband, who have adopted a set of 6 genetic siblings, our only definite children are our first set of two. Thus, we are currently only considering the first two embryos as our babies...we pray for them specifically and my bracelet with my two embryo beads now has an even more special meaning! If one or both of these sweet babies do not survive the thaw, then they will be our children in Heaven and we will then also adopt other children. But for right now, we are the parents of only 2 children - not 6.

It makes my heart brim with joy to see how excited Aaron is about these two precious babies - He made a copy of their profile and placed it on his desk at work right beside my bridal picture. And me? - I can't stop thinking about these two babies that are reserved for us to transfer on July 20th!!! We don't know how long they've been frozen since their conception or many other things about them (we hope to find out more soon when additional info comes), but we do know that God has blessed us with these two precious lives and we are so excited to be adopting them in 28 days!

Other Random Items...

• I begin my first of many shots tonight - I don't think the Lupron will be too bad (it's the Progesterone in Oil that I'm most nervous about!).
• We booked our hotel in Knoxville - We will drive down on July 19th, transfer our babies on July 20th, and drive home on July 21st!
• Ashley and I have not only been at the same place in our adoption since the beginning - we now officially have the same transfer date at the NEDC...I think it's pretty cool how that worked out!
  
• We will be going to the beach with Aaron's family this weekend - It will be a little strange to have needles on my packing list right along with my sunscreen and swimsuit! :)
  

MATCHED!!!

We have been matched with a total of 6 blastocysts from 5 different genetic parents! Our first choice was a set of 2 embryos, so if they both survive the thaw, these will be the babies transferred to my womb (we are praying to this end). If one or both of them do not survive the thaw, we have 4 more profiles of 1 embryo each that will be dethawed one at a time until we have 2 or 3 survivors for transfer.

We responded to the profile email within 17 minutes! I'm so glad that God is sovereign over this - It would be so stressful without resting in Him...knowing that we can't thwart His good plan for our lives is comforting.

I also received my protocol from the NEDC nurse today and will start my Lupron shot in my tummy beginning next Tuesday - I've never been so excited about a needle.

Lord willing, in just 4.5 weeks, our babies will finally be in my womb! - Our official transfer date is Tuesday, July 20th!!! :)

5 Weeks Until Transfer!

We received word today from the NEDC that our profiles would be emailed to us this Friday between 10:00am-12:00pm - Yippee!!! :)

On a different note...When we first started ttc back in the fall of 2008, we were one of two couples in our church who didn't have children yet. The other couple had been trying for two years, while we had only been trying for a few months. Obviously, I assumed that they had some unknown infertility problem (even though the doctors couldn't find anything wrong on either of their ends), and that it was just taking Aaron and me a little longer (most doctors say to give it a year before you have any tests). I told her about embryo adoption, because I was so in love with the idea and thought that maybe they would want to look into this (Haha - God was probably smiling as He listened to me telling her this). :) She and I prayed that we would both conceive and be pregnant together. Not too long after that though, Aaron and I found out that we were infertile (we didn't wait a year to test...more like 6 months being the impatient people that we are). She and her husband did finally conceive naturally back in the fall of 2009 and are expecting a baby boy this August. Her baby shower is July 31st - right smack dab in the middle of my 2 week wait before taking a pregnancy test after my transfer. She and I both have marveled at how wonderful it would be if I was pregnant at her shower and we could be pregnant together for a couple of weeks until her son is born. I love that God had already laid embryo adoption on our hearts before we were diagnosed as infertile - so much so that I was telling my friend about it. I love though, that God chose Aaron and me to walk this path. While stressful at times and is definitely stretching our faith, our adoption journey has been one of the sweetest times of my life. And, yes, I'm still praying that she and I can be pregnant together even if for a short while and in a way that we didn't imagine when we prayed in our small group some time ago. :)

6 Weeks until Transfer!

It is now 6 weeks prior to our frozen embryo transfer (FET)! Our profiles should be emailed to us probably late next week. The NEDC said that they would let us know around Monday of the week that they would email them (which is typically on a Friday), and since I haven't heard anything from them today, I'm assuming it will be next week. I can't wait to look over the profiles and find out which babies we will be adopting next month!

I started my BCPs again last week and will be taking active pills straight thru until I receive my protocol. Since this is now the cycle prior to the FET cycle, we have to gain control over my body's natural cycle beginning now. In addition to starting the BCPs, a lot of other things will be happening over the next 6 weeks that should make time start to fly (I hope so anyway!).

1) Receiving the profiles and getting matched with embryos.
2) Locate a local Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to monitor my uterine lining the two weeks prior to the FET. I will have 2 ultrasounds with a local RE and he/she will fax my results to the NEDC. I know of one local RE whose office has already agreed to do this for me, but his office isn't too close to my job. And since I'll be doing these ultrasounds prior to work in the morning or mid-day during the workday, I would prefer to find a RE a little closer. I'm going to make some more calls this week.
3) Receive my Protocol from the NEDC, explaining when to start which shots and meds.
4) Book our hotel in Knoxville.
5) Get a cashier's check to pay for the FET (only method of payment that the NEDC will accept for the FET).

And of course, as we've been doing for the past year, we will continue to petition the Lord to allow our babies to survive the dethawing process, transfer, and successfully implant in my womb - to grow and be birthed 9 months later! :)

My Meds...

I ordered my meds yesterday and they arrived today - Intimidating to say the least. I'm a little frustrated with the pharmacy because I started to order them back in April just in case there should be an increase in any of their costs. The customer service representative advised me not to order them so early, because my prescriptions & protocol could change and then I'd be stuck with the meds, since they won't refund. (I doubted that my prescriptions would change, considering that the NEDC does this all the time and these are the standard drugs that all of their patients use.) When I asked the customer service rep how likely it would be that the prices would go up in the next couple of months, she replied "not likely." So, I postponed ordering them until June 1st and on that very day, one of their prices increased (my Leuprolide). It wasn't too much in the grand scheme of things and thankfully, my insurance is paying for a good portion. Nevertheless, I was a little frustrated that I let them talk me out of ordering the meds in April.

When I received the meds today, I discovered that my Estrace was the generic (Estradiol) and the NEDC only permits name brand Estrace. I called the pharmacy and they looked thru my notes and said "Yes, we see where your doctor said name brand only...we must have missed that somehow." I then got charged an additional $25 to cover the difference between the name brand and the generic. I feel like they should have given me the Estrace free at this point, but instead they told me that not only would they ship my Estrace, but that I could also keep the Estradiol...Yippee! A bottle of pills that I can't use! Haha

Oh well, I'm really not complaining...Just laughing with you guys about the crazy ordeal my meds have been. I'm so thankful to God for having brought us this far in a year's time. We made our first contact and applied with the NEDC around Memorial Day weekend last year. And a year later, I'm holding my box of meds preparing for our embryo transfer next month! (Did I just say next month?!...Yep!) :)

Bloodwork (Again) and Ordering Meds Soon!

We had our STD bloodwork redone last week (our previous bloodwork results expire in June) - the NEDC should hopefully have the results sometime between tomorrow and Thursday. Now, I'm just waiting to fill my prescriptions from Ascend Pharmacy. Most of these medicines are not easy to fill at a local drugstore, so the NEDC calls them into a specialty pharmacy who ships the meds directly to your home. The NEDC called the prescriptions in on the day of my mock transfer, but I haven't needed to fill them yet. Ascend is apparently a little eager for me to order them because they called both my cell phone and my work phone last Thursday asking when I planned to order them. I told them early June. Once I order them over the phone, they'll be sent to me overnight in a cooler (weird sounding, I know...). I am dreading the sight of those PIO (Progesterone in Oil) 1.5 inch needles!...But, I'll do what I've gotta do! :)

Sometimes this still seems so surreal to me...We are actually adopting embryos! When I first read about embryo adoption in 2006 and thought it sounded wonderful, I wouldn't have believed that Aaron and I would actually be pursuing it 4 years later! Thank you, Lord, for this amazing opportunity to rescue and love little lives!

Next Month...

I'm so glad that it's May and I can start saying "Next month, we will receive our babies' profiles." And after that I can start saying "Next month, our babies will be transferred to my womb." Amazing.

We did find out from the NEDC that it would be the 2nd or 3rd week in June before we received the profiles, so "late-May" is not happening. That's okay, though...June is so close now - Next month, actually! :)

For my early followers, remember when we had to have the STD bloodwork done last summer for the NEDC and the Phlebotomist wrote Aaron's name on both of our vials and we had to have it done again?! Well, make that 3 times now! Since the test results are only valid for 12 months and we had it done in June '09 and our transfer isn't until July '10, the NEDC said we have to do it again between now and then. We plan on doing it sometime this week. And more needles are coming soon when my shots begin...I should be a pro at getting pricked by the time this is all said & done. :)

Phone Consult with the NEDC Embryologist

At our NEDC mock transfer/consultation appointment, we were supposed to meet with the doctor, nurse(s), patient coordinator, and the embryologist. However, the embryologist wasn't there that day. She called later that week to set up a phone consultation to go over what she would've gone over with us at our consult appointment. Basically, she just wanted to go over the different stages of embryonic development and at what stages they could be frozen in - it gets technical... 2 cells (or 2PN, pronuclear) are frozen on the 1st day of fertilization, 2-3 day embryos are frozen with around 4 cells, and 5-6 day blastocysts already have too many cells to count! All are human beings and deserve a chance at birth - they're just at different stages of development. It was wonderful for her to take the time and explain what the jargon meant this past Friday, so that when we receive our profiles at the end of May or early June, we will understand what we are reading!

The coolest part of our phone call though was when she asked if we had been placed in a transfer cycle yet and I told her "Yes, July, though we don't know the exact date yet." And she replied, "We actually just decided those dates yesterday - July 20, 21, & 22." Yay! I was so surprised to hear that and am glad that she wasn't there on our consult appointment, so she'd have to call me later - otherwise, I wouldn't have known the transfer dates until our patient coordinator called us sometime in late May!

Ashley was also glad to hear the dates when I told her - It's so cool that we've been following each other's journeys via our blogs and will have our transfers at the same place & during the same week - maybe even the same day?!

We won't know if the date will be on July 20, 21, 0r 22 until we have been matched with our embryos - the embryologist explained that the embryos' stage of development determines which date you get - due to the thawing and transfer protocol.

July can't come soon enough!!!