That I Have Erred...

When reading a prayer entitled "Desires" in The Valley of Vision (page 106), these lines captured my eyes and heart...

"...that I have erred both on the side of my hopes and also of my fears, that I am unfit to choose for myself, for it is not in me to direct my steps..."

AMEN!

Moving Forward

We were prepared for the news today and it came...our baby is completely gone from earth and is now in Heaven. We now have 6 children in Heaven and we've never gotten to meet any of them on earth. It hurts. It's a pain like none other. I hate feeling this. I don't understand. We are trusting that God has a greater plan even though we cannot understand it right now. We will choose to bring Him glory through our pain even when living life is difficult and when we are tempted to feel that our hope of ever holding children in our arms is almost gone.

What are we doing now? Since the NEDC allows a maximum of 3 transfers per couple in their program, we will return next month for one last time. Honestly, we don't want to go back - it feels like we are setting ourselves up for heartbreak once again. After our negative beta in July, we were extremely sad but also excited about our 2nd transfer - not this time. At the moment, I'm actually dreading it. We are going back simply because we believe that God called us to embryo adoption back in 2006 to save lives (before our infertility diagnosis in 2009) and we are committed to saving frozen lives until the very end. We don't want to walk away until God has completely closed the door and has made it clear for us to enter a new chapter in our lives. Our efforts have not been in vain because all 6 of our frozen embryos are now out of the freezer and with the Lord - and the same will be true with our final transfer - either continued life on earth or an eternal life in Heaven. We have spent the past year and a half pursuing embryo adoption, so we need to push through no matter how painful our journey has been - for the babies' sake. Whatever the outcome is for this last attempt, we will begin pursuing children with a new chapter in 2011.

Since we haven't found a church home here yet (we just moved in last week and have just been attending church in Columbia with our family for the past 2 months), we don't have a pastor here yet. Our pastor in Greensboro was kind enough to meet with us today for counsel and prayer. We are seeking God as to what our next step should be after our final NEDC transfer next month. Perhaps, we won't need to have a new plan, but we are preparing ourselves for that should God want us to pursue another avenue.

Grieving to God's Glory

Although Jenn usually does the updating for this blog, I (Aaron)felt that I needed to share my heart right now. For those who haven't read Jennifer's most recent post, we just received word from the NEDC that Jenn's beta number was a 6. A 5 is considered non-pregnant. We had two positive home pregnancy tests on Wednesday and Thursday and were hoping for a strong number today. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

We took another home pregnancy test this afternoon and it came back negative. HCG levels don't go down and then back up, they go one direction or the other indicating a continued pregnancy or a miscarriage. Although we have to have another blood test done on Monday and continue the shots through then, we are accepting from God that our baby or babies have miscarried. I have total confidence that God can do all things. He has brought people back from the dead. However, we feel that God is clearly showing us that the babies are gone. We feel a peace in going ahead and accepting this.

I'm struggling on many levels right now. I don't know how to view the power of prayer in light of praying without doubting yet praying that God's will be done and not presuming upon anything.

I'm struggling in knowing how to love and relate to my wife. Amidst wonderful blessings, the greatest of which is our common salvation, we have been through a long season where many of our most shared emotions are those of shattered hope and sorrow instead of joy. After receiving our first ever two positive home pregnancy tests, we spent a day and a half sharing a joy that was precious. I saw a look in Jennifer's eyes that I thought I was getting ready to see each day for the rest of my life. We spent time in the mall and for the first time, were able to smile as we saw strollers and baby carriers go past. We felt for the first time that we belonged in the "normal" crowd and could relate to our friends the same age. We envisioned each corner of our new house through the eyes of a little one. That has been taken away and we are back to the too-common bond of sorrow and empty-hearts. All this grows us closer together, but we want to grow our marriage in joy, not in pain.

I'm struggling in feeling like a good husband and provider to my wife. I want to give my wife the joy of continued motherhood but am powerless to do this. It is so hard to want to give a gift to the person you love most and not be able to. It is hard keep seeing your best efforts at giving that gift fall short.

I struggle with jealousy. It frustrates me to see fathers and husbands who have no problem experiencing the privilege of raising children in this world.

And in all of these things, I struggle with learning how to glorify God and live all of life to make much of Him. I know the answers to all of the struggles that I just listed and could counsel any person on the proper theological responses to them. Living that out is hard though. In that sense, I wanted to write this post to say that I know the following truths and want to live my life proclaiming them:

1) God is all powerful.
2) God is good.
3) God is sovereign.
4) God, through the display of His Gospel, is the answer to all of our struggles.
5) We can grieve to His glory.
6) God died and rose again to take all sorrow away and reverse the curse forever.
7) Our greatest hope is in a world awaiting us.

I am struggling, but I am comforted. I am crying, but I am held. We long to love born children, but know that we are loved born-again children. We feel empty, but we believe in Him. That is the work of the child of God, to believe in the One whom the Father sent and cling to Him at all times. Father, we are believing and clinging to You right now. Please make much of Yourself through our lives!

-Aaron

Sad News

Sadly, my beta number was a 6 today. A 5 or less is considered negative so we were only 1 point into the positive range. The nurse told me that it did not look hopeful, but it was still considered positive. I told her that I took 2 HPTs on Wednesday and Thursday and they were positive. The nurse said that a HPT should not even read a HCG of 6. Most likely what has happened is that my hormones were higher earlier this week but the baby is starting to miscarry. Since it is technically positive they want me to retest on Monday to see if the numbers increase. So pray for a miracle (because God can do anything), but it's not looking good.

Our Blessing(s?)!!!

The movers got ahead of schedule in their packing and loading on Tuesday. Because of that, they were able to deliver our belongings and furniture a day early - which meant that we were able to officially move into our house yesterday! :)

I knew that I wanted to take a HPT when Aaron was around and so I had planned to test Friday morning before my beta. However, when we moved into our house a day early, we decided to test on Thursday morning. We became so impatient that I convinced Aaron to let us test last night. We both stood there while the 3-minute clock (it felt more like 3 hours) took its precious time calculating my results. I became so nervous that I said to Aaron, "Let's go out of the room and come back in the room in a few minutes." Aaron said, "No, I want to watch it." But, I left the room and shouted from the other room, "It's taking too long - it's going to be negative because if it was positive, it would have known by now." (After all of my trust in God answering with a "YES!", I'm ashamed to say that I let fear take over my heart the minute I opened the test...) Midway thru my sentence, Aaron shouted "It says "YES!" - I ran and looked at that test and couldn't believe my eyes! (It was kind of backwards...usually a wife takes a HPT and tells her husband she's pregnant, but I was too nervous to look so my husband knew before I did - haha). Since I had 2 HPTs in my box, I took another one at 4:00am and it also said "YES!" It's still so early, but we couldn't help but tell our family, who of course are thrilled! PRAYING FOR STRONG BETA NUMBERS TOMORROW! :)

Thank you, Jesus! We are so thankful for this blessing(s?)!

Psalm 113:9 (Again)

My mom read Psalm 113:9 in her daily devotions on the day we closed on our house and 3 days before our embryo transfer. I have a "Read thru the Bible in a Year" Bible, in which you daily read a portion of the Old & New Testament, and a few verses from Psalms and Proverbs each day. After 365 days, you have read thru the entire Bible.

Today, the week of my beta, part of my Psalms reading was this verse...

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" - Psalm 113:9

I think God is continuing to encourage my faith this week. And, while I don't know what this week holds, I believe that one day, He will bless us with children in this new house. Praying that it will begin with a positive test this week! :)

My Faith and Our Children's Fate

After Shannon at Room for More asked us to answer a few questions about our FETs and our faith, I thought I'd share one of my answers with everyone else too. Shannon asked "What Scripture are you holding close to these days?"

In addition to Psalm 113:9 that I shared with you guys last week, I am also clinging to another verse...

As I was being fearful and doubtful after the transfer on Sunday, Aaron said something that has stuck with me the rest of the week, "Your faith could determine our children's fate." Ouch! And then he quoted a portion of these verses "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." - James 1:6-8 (Now, we realize that the context of this passage is regarding asking the Lord for wisdom, but we believe there is also application for all prayers in these verses.) So, unlike my last FET, I have been constantly choosing to believe that God is answering my prayers with a "Yes" and if he doesn't, then that is HIS sovereign choice, but my role right now is to believe and not doubt!

PIO Mistake

After actually reading the labels on my syringes and needles today (why today? I don't know...), I discovered that we've been using the wrong needles to draw up the PIO and inject the PIO! - For BOTH TRANSFER CYCLES!!!

We have been drawing up with the 22 gauge and injecting with the 18 gauge. When I called Ascend Pharmacy to ask if they had put the instruction labels on backwards (not likely, but...) the pharmacist said "Ouch! Isn't that painful!?" Me: "Well, yeah, but I thought it was supposed to be that way..." I didn't know any differently! I called the NEDC nurse to tell her what I had been doing and to be sure that it wasn't a problem as far as the medicine going into the muscle. She asked Dr. K and he confirmed that it would still inject and be absorbed properly, but would be more painful for me.

So, I'm looking forward to my PIO shot tonight - this should be a breeze compared to what I've been experiencing twice a day! :)

For Every Fear...Look to Christ

For years, I have been reading the Girltalk Blog - "Conversations on Biblical Womanhood and Other Fun Stuff." I hadn't read it in about a week, but had a friend post this quote on her Facebook status, it immediately struck me with joy and conviction.

“For every fearful peek into the future, I wish I had looked to Christ instead. For each imaginary trouble conjured up, I wish I had recalled the specific, unfailing faithfulness of God. In place of dismay and dread, I wish I had exhibited hope and joy. I wish I had approached mothering like the preacher Charles Spurgeon approached his job: ‘forecasting victory, not foreboding defeat.” (Carolyn Mahaney)

I had assumed that she had probably gotten it from the Girltalk blog, so I visited their site and yes, it was from there - Please read the blog post! After reading the post, I have decided for every imaginary fear that creeps up, I'm looking to Christ instead and remaining joyful and hopeful. And if that fear becomes a reality, Christ will be there on the other side.

P.S. I am not taking a HPT until the morning of our beta, because Aaron and I will only be together Sunday (which seems a bit early since my beta isn't until Friday) and Thursday night/ Friday morning. Friday will be our first morning waking up in our new home - I am trusting God that we will also be celebrating other news too! :)

THREE Babies in the Womb!

God answered our prayer in that we didn't have to thaw our back-up embryos and pay close to $900 in fees! All 4 of our first choice embryos were thawed; 3 survived and 1 is now in Heaven with our other 2 babies. We were sad to hear that we lost one, but thankful that I now have THREE babies in my belly!

We had 2 expanding hatching blasts graded a 3AB & 3BB and 1 blast graded a 3AB. We were a little saddened to hear that they weren't as far along in their development than a grade 3. Last time we had a 5AB and a 6AA (a 6AA is the highest grading) and yet, neither attached. So, we know grading doesn't mean anything - God's sovereignty means everything! Pregnancies do come from grade 3 embryos (after all, we were all once a grade 3 embryo in the womb!), so we're trusting that God's grace will continue growing them. The embryologist did say that if they continued to grow, that our expanding hatching 3AB baby would likely implant today or tomorrow! My beta isn't until Friday, October 1st which surprised me (which is 12 days past transfer) and my last beta was only 9 days past transfer. October 1st seems so far away! But, all we can do is continue praying for their little lives and wait. :)

Our 3 precious babies!

P.S. I will get around to checking in on my other EA blogging mommies soon!

He Gives the Barren Woman a Home...

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" - Psalm 113:9

My mom has been reading through Psalms in her devotions and came across this verse yesterday and sent it to me via text - I'm clinging to this verse and rejoicing in the Lord!

How fitting is that verse because we officially closed on our house yesterday! I wanted to wait and post pictures after it was officially ours, but after closing I went over to take a picture of it and our camera's battery was dead. Ugh. Pictures will come - just probably not until we move in the last week this month.

My ultrasound and labs were great again on Tuesday - follicles suppressed (thanks to Lupron) and my lining was at 10.7 mm (thanks to Estrace), so I was given clearance to be start PIO on Wednesday. My mother in law is giving the shots when Aaron isn't around, and she is doing a great job! She was scared at first, but after the first shot, she is doing fine with administering them.

Even though, we really don't have the money right now, Aaron is letting me splurge and get a massage this afternoon (I found a spa that gives 50 min massages for only $39 which is rare)! I want my body to be as relaxed as possible for the embryo transfer on Sunday, which is why we are doing this.

We leave tomorrow for Knoxville, transfer our babies on Sunday, and come back to Columbia on Monday. Please pray for safe travels, our babies to survive thawing and transfer - and to attach to my womb next week. I realize just how insignificant I am in all of this - God has already created them and without His grace, these babies cannot grow and attach. Aaron and I are asking the Lord to spare their lives and allow them continued life on earth with us. We really want to fill up our empty bedrooms in our new house! And since our transfer is on a Sunday, we will probably be transferring while many of you are in a church service - Please think of us and our little ones. Also, there are several of my blogger friends who have had a transfer this week, will have one this weekend or next week (all at the NEDC)- Please pray for them as well. They are all on my adoption blogs list if you care to read their stories too. To God be the glory!

I probably won't update the blog from the hotel and may be too exhausted on Monday (so please don't assume that something went wrong if you haven't heard from me on Sunday or Monday)- I'm not going to push myself to do anything the first day or two after the transfer. I will update though - Promise!

Can't wait to see our babies - their first picture prior to the transfer is breathtaking and beautiful! :)

More Happy News!

We have a closing date on our house - Thursday, September 16th! Yep - only 3 days before our embryo transfer! We will close on Thursday, drive to Knoxville on Saturday, transfer on Sunday, and drive back to Columbia on Monday. Since this is coinciding so close to our FET, I will be in Columbia for another week or so to rest and take it easy. We plan to actually move in the last week in September which is also my beta test. I have my last ultrasound and lab drawn tomorrow and if all looks good, then I will begin PIO on Wednesday. :)

For around two years, I have prayed for Aaron to be able to transfer to a city closer to SC (our home) - somewhere we felt in faith to buy a house, settle and make roots for awhile. When we moved to Greensboro in 2008, we knew that it wasn't "home" (although, we LOVED and so greatly miss our church family there! - you guys were "home" to us...just nothing else there!). Along with this prayer, I have also prayed that when God did allow us to move, that we could either have a child in our arms or growing in my womb. When Aaron got the news the day before our July FET that he was being transferred to Gastonia, I thought that God was answering this prayer exactly how I wanted. Of course, the negative beta caused me to think otherwise (although, I knew His plan was best!). However, we haven't actually moved to the Gastonia area yet, but Lord willing, the day we actually move in with our furniture and our belongings, I may have news of a positive beta. Wouldn't that be so kind of God? No matter what His will is, we trust Him because He is God - and we are only us.

Happy News!

I have happy news! We confirmed today that our first choice embryos (set of 4) have NO additional fees that we would be required to pay on transfer day! Each set of embryos have possible fees attached to them such as shipping (from the clinic where they were to conceived to the NEDC), possible storage, and/or STD testing on the genetic parents - all of these fees are paid by the adopting parents. Our embryos from our July transfer cost us a little over $300 in these fees.

However, if none of these babies survive the thaw and the embryologist has to thaw our "back-up" embryos, we would be required to pay close to $900. Given that 65% of blastocysts survive the thawing process and our first set has 4 blasts, Lord willing, we shouldn't have to thaw our "back-ups." Obviously, with funding the 1st and 2nd transfers (including medications, ultrasounds, and labwork) and purchasing our first house, this is needed news for our bank account. Praising God for His kindness in this and praying that our 1st choice babies will survive the thaw, transfer, and attach to my womb this time.

P.S. We should hopefully be closing on our new house sometime within the next 2 weeks - right around our embryo transfer. Busy, Busy!

2.5 Weeks Until FET # 2!

My ultrasound and lab results were great on Monday, so I began Estrace this morning. I have my 2nd ultrasound and bloodwork on 9/14 and if all looks good then, I will begin PIO on 9/15 and transfer our new babies to my womb on 9/19!

I mailed our check to the NEDC last week. We should hopefully be receiving our additional information about the genetic parents' healthy history sometime this week.

I'm ready again (I think)... I've prayed so much for this 2nd embryo adoption - I feel like a whiny kid begging God for our children's continued life on this earth. But, I know that no matter what His will may be, they and we rest in His sovereign care.

3.5 Weeks Until FET # 2!

I started Lupron again on Sunday. I hate Lupron. Granted, the needle/shot itself is much easier than PIO, but Lupron gives me severe headaches. Unfortunately, the only medicine that ever seems to alleviate any of my headaches is Excedrin which is loaded in caffeine - and I don't need caffeine in excessive amounts prior to an embryo transfer/pregnancy (I drank a lot of caffeine prior to my mock transfer in March and Dr. K told me that day to limit my intake prior to embryo transfer). Lupron caused headaches the last time and after taking it for 4 days again this go around, the headaches are back! Lupron is depriving my body of estrogen, which is something that I have taken for granted. When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that God has made our bodies so wonderfully - that even things like estrogen make me feel the way I should. How could anyone believe in evolution rather than creation by an awesome God?!

My 1st ultrasound and lab is on Monday and if all looks good, then I'll begin Estrace (bring on the estrogen!) again on Wednesday. I can't believe that our 2nd embryo transfer (and hopefully the last one unless we return for genetic siblings later) is only 3.5 weeks away now! Praying, Praying, Praying!

Balancing Our Emotions with God's Truth

Lord willing, one month from today will be our 2nd embryo transfer. I'm excited and scared. I think the excitement comes and goes. The fear seems to stay. Two weeks ago, I was excited. This week has been very hard. I want this 2nd transfer to result in a continued pregnancy and live birth, but I know all too well that there are no guarantees even with healthy embryos. My heart feels like a mess right now. I am trying to find the balance of trusting God and hoping for a pregnancy and live birth, while also guarding my heart should God not have that in His perfect plan for us.

I know that we do not deserve a baby - all we deserve is an eternity in Hell due to our sinful rebellion against a holy God. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has already saved us from that horrific state, so we are always doing better than we deserve. If God should allow us to have a birthed baby (or babies), it won't be because we deserve it...it will only be because He is blessing us with what we don't deserve. During our struggle with infertility and embryo adoption, through tears, I'm having to preach the Gospel to myself over and over and over...which isn't a bad thing...I should be doing that anyway. :)

But please, Lord, allow us to have one or more babies born as a result of our transfer next month...we want so much to raise and teach them Your Gospel!!!

House, Follow-Up Call, & 2nd FET

We have a contract on our first house and Lord willing, we will close in 30-40 days (right around the time of our embryo transfer)! We are very excited to become homeowners. :)

I had my follow-up call with Dr. K on Monday. He was very sorry that our embies didn't implant, but said that my body was perfect to receive them...they just didn't continue to grow and attach for unknown reasons. He said that there is nothing different that I need to do this next time around - no changes or adjustments in my meds (nor acupuncture or pineapple core - I asked him specifically about that!). It all comes down to God's sovereignty and His plan for the life of each embryo baby. All we can do is pray that the Lord would see fit to allow our next embies to attach to my uterus and continue growing.

Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Sunday, September 19th. I received my date and protocol today - it's basically the same as last time. I start Lupron on 8/22, 1st Ultrasound & Lab on 8/30, Start Estrace on 9/1, 2nd Ultrasound & Lab on 9/14, and begin PIO a few days prior to transfer.

Aaron and I discussed that if I had gotten pregnant from our July transfer, we would only be seeing each other mostly on the weekends which would have been really hard during early pregnancy (and my poor mother in law would have had to administer the PIO shots, which wouldn't have been fun for her, I'm sure!). So, this next time around would be better for a pregnancy - after we have closed on a house and will be back together everyday with a normal routine. I pray and hope that this is what God has in mind too.

2nd Embryo Adoption

We received new profiles to review yesterday! The NEDC is doing things differently now. Rather than all couples having a closed adoption in the same transfer cycle receiving the profiles at the same time, each couple is given 24 hours to make a decision and then they're sent to the next couple and so on... So, rather than feeling like we were in a "time-crunch" like last time (remember how we responded to the email in 17 minutes?!), we were able to take all day and night thinking and praying about our decisions. We have chosen to adopt a set of 4 blastocysts and a set of 2 blastocysts (since the NEDC requires a total of 6 embryos in case some should not survive the thaw). Just like last time though, we are only considering our first set of 4 to be our children and are specifically praying for them to survive the thaw, implant, and that we could see their faces in June 2011! While we are still very saddened that we lost our first two babies, God has given us a renewed sense of joy and excitement about our next children - We can't wait for next month!!!

Also, this time around things will be different in that...
1) We originally wanted to raise an awareness about frozen embryos as a pro-life issue, so we were very vocal about each step in our adoption with our family, friends, Facebook, and blog. Now that we've raised an awareness, we want our next adoption to be a little more quiet and intimate. We will still keep our blog updated, but will not be posting anything on Facebook or really talking to anyone about it other than our immediate family members. Please keep following and commenting on our blog, though - We gladly welcome that! :)
2) I will be taking HPTs next time! I thought that seeing a negative HPT would be more difficult than hearing the news over the phone. However, I was wrong. When the phone call is the first time you're hearing the news that your children are no longer alive, it takes your breath away, and you lose all consciousness of what the nurse is saying regarding specific test results, etc. All you hear and comprehend are the words "negative beta." Also, I like what Jen said awhile back about celebrating their lives no matter how long the Lord allows you to do so (I hope it's okay that I linked this, Jen...If not, let me know!) .
3) We really have no expectations this time...we are simply following God's will for us to rescue these frozen lives regardless if that is continued life on earth or an eternal home in Heaven. Of course we are continuing ot pray that our next embryos would be healthy and have birth on this earth, but we know that regardless of how "healthy" an embryo may appear, that is not a measure of God's sovereign will.

All that to say, we're excited and invite you to follow us as we prepare for our Embryo Adoption #2!

Mission Accomplished

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have believed this verse for many years, but how could we know that Paul was absolutely right without being able to experience it for ourselves? We couldn't and we believe that is one reason why God allows suffering. While we are still sad and grieving the loss of our two children, God's grace has never been more real to us. We definitely feel prayers on our behalf and God's grace is indeed carrying us through this difficult time. I was even able to attend my friend's baby shower yesterday and share in her joy - that was definitely God's grace!

God, in His kindness, has also not given us much time to sit and dwell on this loss due to our move this weekend and looking to buy our first house (we were actually meeting with a realtor on Thursday when we received word that my beta was negative). Today is August 1st which means our 2nd embryo transfer will be next month! With all of that going on, we don't have much time to stay in the valley. We feel God's strength enabling us to move forward and look ahead to all He has in store - What grace!

And at the end of the day, our mission was accomplished. God called us to rescue these frozen lives and we did. They were frozen and now they have "woken up" in the arms of Jesus. We feel so privileged that God used us to build His Kingdom is such a special way! But, we are most definitely continuing to pray that He would allow our next children to have birth on this earth!

P.S. I begin BCPs tonight. We receive new profiles to review this week, and my new protocol should be sent in the next 2-3 weeks. Again, we are literally jumping right back into saving more frozen lives! And we are very excited to become parents again. :)