Grieving to God's Glory

Although Jenn usually does the updating for this blog, I (Aaron)felt that I needed to share my heart right now. For those who haven't read Jennifer's most recent post, we just received word from the NEDC that Jenn's beta number was a 6. A 5 is considered non-pregnant. We had two positive home pregnancy tests on Wednesday and Thursday and were hoping for a strong number today. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

We took another home pregnancy test this afternoon and it came back negative. HCG levels don't go down and then back up, they go one direction or the other indicating a continued pregnancy or a miscarriage. Although we have to have another blood test done on Monday and continue the shots through then, we are accepting from God that our baby or babies have miscarried. I have total confidence that God can do all things. He has brought people back from the dead. However, we feel that God is clearly showing us that the babies are gone. We feel a peace in going ahead and accepting this.

I'm struggling on many levels right now. I don't know how to view the power of prayer in light of praying without doubting yet praying that God's will be done and not presuming upon anything.

I'm struggling in knowing how to love and relate to my wife. Amidst wonderful blessings, the greatest of which is our common salvation, we have been through a long season where many of our most shared emotions are those of shattered hope and sorrow instead of joy. After receiving our first ever two positive home pregnancy tests, we spent a day and a half sharing a joy that was precious. I saw a look in Jennifer's eyes that I thought I was getting ready to see each day for the rest of my life. We spent time in the mall and for the first time, were able to smile as we saw strollers and baby carriers go past. We felt for the first time that we belonged in the "normal" crowd and could relate to our friends the same age. We envisioned each corner of our new house through the eyes of a little one. That has been taken away and we are back to the too-common bond of sorrow and empty-hearts. All this grows us closer together, but we want to grow our marriage in joy, not in pain.

I'm struggling in feeling like a good husband and provider to my wife. I want to give my wife the joy of continued motherhood but am powerless to do this. It is so hard to want to give a gift to the person you love most and not be able to. It is hard keep seeing your best efforts at giving that gift fall short.

I struggle with jealousy. It frustrates me to see fathers and husbands who have no problem experiencing the privilege of raising children in this world.

And in all of these things, I struggle with learning how to glorify God and live all of life to make much of Him. I know the answers to all of the struggles that I just listed and could counsel any person on the proper theological responses to them. Living that out is hard though. In that sense, I wanted to write this post to say that I know the following truths and want to live my life proclaiming them:

1) God is all powerful.
2) God is good.
3) God is sovereign.
4) God, through the display of His Gospel, is the answer to all of our struggles.
5) We can grieve to His glory.
6) God died and rose again to take all sorrow away and reverse the curse forever.
7) Our greatest hope is in a world awaiting us.

I am struggling, but I am comforted. I am crying, but I am held. We long to love born children, but know that we are loved born-again children. We feel empty, but we believe in Him. That is the work of the child of God, to believe in the One whom the Father sent and cling to Him at all times. Father, we are believing and clinging to You right now. Please make much of Yourself through our lives!

-Aaron

Balancing Our Emotions with God's Truth

Lord willing, one month from today will be our 2nd embryo transfer. I'm excited and scared. I think the excitement comes and goes. The fear seems to stay. Two weeks ago, I was excited. This week has been very hard. I want this 2nd transfer to result in a continued pregnancy and live birth, but I know all too well that there are no guarantees even with healthy embryos. My heart feels like a mess right now. I am trying to find the balance of trusting God and hoping for a pregnancy and live birth, while also guarding my heart should God not have that in His perfect plan for us.

I know that we do not deserve a baby - all we deserve is an eternity in Hell due to our sinful rebellion against a holy God. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has already saved us from that horrific state, so we are always doing better than we deserve. If God should allow us to have a birthed baby (or babies), it won't be because we deserve it...it will only be because He is blessing us with what we don't deserve. During our struggle with infertility and embryo adoption, through tears, I'm having to preach the Gospel to myself over and over and over...which isn't a bad thing...I should be doing that anyway. :)

But please, Lord, allow us to have one or more babies born as a result of our transfer next month...we want so much to raise and teach them Your Gospel!!!

5 Weeks Until Transfer!

We received word today from the NEDC that our profiles would be emailed to us this Friday between 10:00am-12:00pm - Yippee!!! :)

On a different note...When we first started ttc back in the fall of 2008, we were one of two couples in our church who didn't have children yet. The other couple had been trying for two years, while we had only been trying for a few months. Obviously, I assumed that they had some unknown infertility problem (even though the doctors couldn't find anything wrong on either of their ends), and that it was just taking Aaron and me a little longer (most doctors say to give it a year before you have any tests). I told her about embryo adoption, because I was so in love with the idea and thought that maybe they would want to look into this (Haha - God was probably smiling as He listened to me telling her this). :) She and I prayed that we would both conceive and be pregnant together. Not too long after that though, Aaron and I found out that we were infertile (we didn't wait a year to test...more like 6 months being the impatient people that we are). She and her husband did finally conceive naturally back in the fall of 2009 and are expecting a baby boy this August. Her baby shower is July 31st - right smack dab in the middle of my 2 week wait before taking a pregnancy test after my transfer. She and I both have marveled at how wonderful it would be if I was pregnant at her shower and we could be pregnant together for a couple of weeks until her son is born. I love that God had already laid embryo adoption on our hearts before we were diagnosed as infertile - so much so that I was telling my friend about it. I love though, that God chose Aaron and me to walk this path. While stressful at times and is definitely stretching our faith, our adoption journey has been one of the sweetest times of my life. And, yes, I'm still praying that she and I can be pregnant together even if for a short while and in a way that we didn't imagine when we prayed in our small group some time ago. :)

Last Year, Today, & What We Hope Is in Store for Next Mother's Day

Last Mother's Day was the day before we were given the shocking diagnosis of "infertile." I don't talk about our infertility much anymore on our blog, because I don't want that to define us or our adoption. After being diagnosed as an infertile couple, we prayed for a few weeks for Aaron's healing and he was even supposed to have another test done a few months later to check for any improvement. However, God changed our hearts so quickly that we haven't really prayed for healing since probably June 2009 and we never did have that 2nd test done.... We suddenly became so excited about adoption that our prayers, focus, and energies were quickly spent on our future children rather than ourselves. I remember someone telling us that they asked their Sunday School class to pray for our healing and I replied "Well, we're not even praying for that...Would you please pray for our adoption instead? Our frozen children are whom we are asking for the most prayer."

This is where our hearts are today:

Is infertility sad? Yes, it's part of this fallen world.

Is it the saddest thing in life? No - This past year has caused my heart to grieve over orphans in their affliction rather than focus on our own problems.


Little babies, I pray that next Mother's Day, you'll be in the warmth of my arms, rather than freezing in liquid nitrogen which is no place for children. I love you! - Mommy

WOW is me!!!

Yesterday was exactly a year ago when Aaron began his new career with LifeWay - So much has changed in the past year...things that I thought would happen haven't and vice versa...

A year ago, I thought I'd be pregnant and about to leave work and become a "stay at home mom" which has been my dream job since I was 13! I thought when I took my job in August 2008 - that I'd be leaving it in about a year, but I'm not...If we're blessed to be able to adopt in the future, we need God to provide LOTS of money! :)

I didn't dream a year ago that we would be declared infertile - I was so happy that Aaron finally had a CAREER and not just a "job" that would allow us to grow our family and for me to stay at home full-time.

Some days are very, very sad for us (especially me being the girl who has a God-given desire to carry and birth a child) but I have resolved (by God's grace of course) to not have a "woe is me" attitude! I am resolved to have a "WOW is me" attitude! Why? Because I am blessed beyond more than I could ever deserve or imagine - God spared my life from an eternal hell through his Son's atoning work on the Cross, he gave me a WONDERFUL and GODLY husband, a roof over our heads, food on our table, and oh yes...our sweet miniature dachshund! :)

In the midst of infertility (which is more painful than one would imagine until you've heard that word from a doctor - it about knocks the wind out of you!), by God's grace alone, I'm going to live life to His glory knowing that His story for our family is far better than we could imagine!

So for today, I will try to model biblical femininity - whether or not I am a "stay at home mom." I will wash our laundry, iron our clothes for work tomorrow, love and help my husband, and smother Toby with LOTS of kisses! :)

**The picture below was taken at small group last week - Our church has been discussing Biblical manhood and womanhood and so our small group leaders had all the married couples take these silly but fun pictures last week. I had to scan it so the quality isn't too great but it's still cute. :)

Prayer for Aaron

We have yet another new prayer request! Aaron's bloodwork results came back showing that his hormone levels aren't balanced. One is too low and the other is too high. Basically, if we understood everything correctly, his body is indeed producing sperm but is soon after destroying them. The doctor has scheduled another test in 3 months, though he's not expecting any improvement. While we are so open to pursuing adoption (at the proper time and we don't know when that will be as of right now), we are praying for God to heal Aaron and allow us to conceive at least 1 child naturally. Please pray that God would restore balance to Aaron's hormone levels and that we would be pleasantly surprised in 3 months to discover that his sperm count is normal! Even if that would not be the Lord's will, we're okay with that...He's sovereign and we're not, but this is a medical illness that God can heal if He so chooses. So, fellow Christians, would you join us in prayer over the next 3 months and pray for God's healing hand to be upon Aaron?

Thanks so much!
Jennifer :)

On Our Hearts...

As most of you who regularly read this blog know, I usually leave its upkeep to my wife. Today however is different, owing to a revelation that is going to bring important changes into our life. I wanted to take a leadership role in our marriage and be the one to communicate to all of you what is going on in our life, how we are responding to it and some family prayer requests that we now have.

Most of you probably already know that we have been working with doctors to establish a regular luteal phase in Jennifer's cycle to allow a fertilized egg to be able to attach to her uterus. Jenn has been taking Clomid for the past two months and is now in the third month. Her doctor asked for me to have a sperm test done before she prescribed any more dosages to rule out any fertility problems on my end. I had the test a couple weeks ago and today we met with a urologist and a fertility doctor to discuss the results. To our surprise it was revealed that I have such a low sperm count that is was coded, "TFTC - too few to count". The consensus between both doctors was that it is very improbable that we will ever be able to have biological children naturally.

Two options that were presented to us were IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and adoption. We are strongly opposed to IVF because it usually results in more fertilized eggs (little people) being created than are desired to be birthed by their parents. These little babies usually stay frozen for an extended period of time and are then often killed when parents decide not to use them after having a sucessful implantion of a fertilized egg(s). We could choose to fertilize only a limited number of eggs and place them all inside of Jennifer, but that would greatly limit the chances of the procedure working. Seeing as it is an expensive procedure, and since we don't have the money to keep trying it over and over with just a few eggs each time, we are turning instead towards adoption.

I can't tell you how excited we are to be pursing adoption, but I have to announce this news alongside the truth that finding out that we probably won't ever have biological children has been very hard for us to grasp. This has been a day filled with incredible emotion. It is hard to erase, in just few hours, a quarter of a century's worth of thinking and imagining of what it would be like to birth your own kids. We have seen tears come and go today and I'm sure we will continue to for the coming weeks and months. The flow of tears have been met though with a steady flow of grace. Although we are saddened by the news that we received today, we are rejoicing in the fact that we now know clearly the path that we are to take in pursuing children. In fact, I have experienced today a sense of exhilaration towards being able to pursue adoption without any second thoughts of perhaps another pursuit being more practical.

Jennifer and I, even before we met, both carried in our hearts the desire to adopt children. The biggest deterrent towards pursuing our first child this way had been the financial cost. Although that cost is still a hurdle, we now know that it one that we must tackle. In that sense, it is rather freeing to know that we probably won't have kids naturally. Now, we are facing the decision of pursuing either traditional or embryonic adoption. (The latter involves adopting a fertilized egg, one that has been frozen, from parents who did not use it during the process of IVF. The fertilized egg would be placed inside of Jenn, who would carry and birth the baby, although it wouldn't carry any of our genes. Here is a link to a agency who specializes in embryonic adoption: http://www.nightlight.org/adoption-services/snowflakes-embryo/default.aspx )

One of the reasons that we are so excited to be able to pursue adoption is because it is such a beautiful picture of one of the greatest benefits of the gospel - the adoption of Christians into God's family. Jennifer expressed to me today in a moment of exasperation that adoption is so difficult to pursue. God kindly brought to my mind that it was difficult for Him also - difficult to the point of death. God the Father allowed his Son to suffer a tortuous death in order to bring his church, who the Bible describes as orphaned, into His family. What a gift that we can give to our future children, to our families and to our church when they see the lengths that we may go through to bring a orphaned child into a loving home.

So this is a little window into our hearts today. For those Christians who are reading this blog and who would like to pray for us, here are some requests that we have:

1) That we would glorify God in responding to today's news and showcase His grace as it is supplied to us on a daily basis.
2) That God would lead us in wisdom toward either traditional or embryonic adoption.
3) That we would be blessed with the resources needed to adopt.
4) That any roadblocks needed to adopt (ie. currently being renters) would be removed.
5) For our marriage to be strenghtened through these events and that we would love and support each other with gentle spirits.
6) That the gospel of God would be demonstrated through this pursuit, towards us, our future child(ren) and to the world.

Finally, as I have been writing this post, my heart has been moved towards my many friends who are not Christians. My fear is that the truth and beauty of the gospel could be diluted by the sentimentality of the situation. Not being able to have children is sad, having kids is amazing and wondrous, but the Gospel is necessary. "But we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons...For in this hope we were saved." Romans 8:23-24

Aaron

Infertility Update

Well, we found out some news this week that is hard to swallow in our journey for hoping to grow our family...Aaron has a low sperm count. My ObGyn told me after 2 months of Clomid, if I wasn't pregnant, she'd test Aaron before she continued to "pump my body full with fertility drugs." So, for this cycle, she gave me a refill of Clomid (and increased the dosage) and had Aaron tested. His results came back yesterday and it's all really frustrating...My ObGyn was the one who ordered that a semen analysis be done at a local fertility clinic, so she was the one who got the test results - not us. She then had her nurse call and tell me this vague info "He has a low sperm count - He needs to see a Urologist." I then asked the nurse what this all meant? How low was his count? Would we be able to have children? She abrubtly said "I don't know - The urologist needs to analylze all of this...we only treat women here - not men." Aaron then calls the fertility clinic himself to find out his specific results and unfortunately, they "legally" could not give him the results, but could only give the results to the doctor who had referred him (my ObGyn).

This was a COMPLETE SURPRISE to us...We simply thought that he would have this test to satisfy my doctor so that she would proceed with giving me stronger fertility drugs. We never really seriously thought that he too may have a problem!!! My doctor had even told me that this test was just to rule it out, because it would be very rare for both people to have a fertility problem. (I guess we beat the odds-Haha)

We have decided to bypass the urologist, since we both have some fertility issues and see a fertility specialist together. However, the fertility specialist can't see us until June 10th, unless there becomes another time available. I sobbed hard yesterday - This news was painful for us. However, we are glad to know this info so that we can begin to move in the right direction.

All this to say, if the Lord brings it to your mind, please pray for the following:
1) That we would have peace, trust, and comfort in our Great God. We want to glorify Him no matter what His plan is for our life!
2) That the fertility specialist could see us sooner than next month and that he would have the wisdom to lead us into making the wisest decisions for our family.
3) That the Lord would bless us with a baby(ies)!

"Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be the Name of the Lord"

Well, I was hoping that this would be the month that I would be able to announce that I was pregnant on the blog, but alas, it's not...

Most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant since the fall and have been strategically charting my temperature and using ovulation tests, but no pregnancy... While charting, I discovered that my luteal phase (the day after ovulation to the day before your next period) was short - the medical term is Luteal Phase Defect or Deficiency. A healthy luteal phase consists of an average of 12-16 days and mine are always under 11 days. LPD doesn't give the proper amount of time for a fertilized egg to implant before the lining begins to shed itself, thus, even if you conceived you might not know it...Even if the fertilized egg does implant itself, LPD can often cause an early miscarriage. Thus, when I discovered this info, I went to see the ObGyn and she put me on a drug called Clomid for two months which is supposed to boost fertility and lengthen a luteal phase (only during the months that you use the drug - it doesn't have lasting effects on months that follow). March was my first month taking Clomid and I did have a longer LP but no pregnancy...It was very disappointing as we very much want to be parents.

By God's grace, I have not reached the point where I am like Rachel, who in Genesis, demands that she be given children or she'll die! Though, I have difficult moments when I look around and see everyone else having babies and I'm angry and jealous. While I know that God is good and sovereign, I still don't understand why He hasn't given us a child yet (granted, I know that we haven't been trying very long in comparison to many other couples!). While I don't understand, I do believe that He is walking me through this difficulty so that He can reveal the sin in my heart and conform me more into the image of His Son. If I really believe what I say I believe - then, now is my time to live it out! If when I sing "Blessed be Your Name though I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness...Blessed be Your Name...And when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say...Blessed be the Name of the Lord! Blessed be Your glorious Name!" by Matt Redman, now is the the time to experience what it means when I sing "Though, there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name!"

I must come to a place where I am content and joyful in the Lord (admittedly, I'm not there yet but I want to be) even if His answer is for us to never have children (I haven't given up hope yet either). If this is the same God (which of course He is) who gave His only Son for Aaron and me, to die on the cross and absorb all of His furious wrath for our sins... I most certainly can trust that He will never withhold anything good from us...His greatest good though may not always look "good" to us on this side of eternity. Jesus, when he was naked and bleeding on the cross didn't look good...How could a dismangled and dying man bring about the world's greatest good?! If you're a Christian, then it brought your salvation - You're not condemned to Hell! You're going to Heaven!

God has already been SO good to Aaron and me and I hope that for as many more months/years that go by where we struggle with this same disappointment, that we always remember the Gospel. And I'm thankful that the Truth in the Gospel isn't contingent on my feelings or circumstances - It will always remain true in spite of us!