Well, I was hoping that this would be the month that I would be able to announce that I was pregnant on the blog, but alas, it's not...
Most of you know that we've been trying to get pregnant since the fall and have been strategically charting my temperature and using ovulation tests, but no pregnancy... While charting, I discovered that my luteal phase (the day after ovulation to the day before your next period) was short - the medical term is Luteal Phase Defect or Deficiency. A healthy luteal phase consists of an average of 12-16 days and mine are always under 11 days. LPD doesn't give the proper amount of time for a fertilized egg to implant before the lining begins to shed itself, thus, even if you conceived you might not know it...Even if the fertilized egg does implant itself, LPD can often cause an early miscarriage. Thus, when I discovered this info, I went to see the ObGyn and she put me on a drug called Clomid for two months which is supposed to boost fertility and lengthen a luteal phase (only during the months that you use the drug - it doesn't have lasting effects on months that follow). March was my first month taking Clomid and I did have a longer LP but no pregnancy...It was very disappointing as we very much want to be parents.
By God's grace, I have not reached the point where I am like Rachel, who in Genesis, demands that she be given children or she'll die! Though, I have difficult moments when I look around and see everyone else having babies and I'm angry and jealous. While I know that God is good and sovereign, I still don't understand why He hasn't given us a child yet (granted, I know that we haven't been trying very long in comparison to many other couples!). While I don't understand, I do believe that He is walking me through this difficulty so that He can reveal the sin in my heart and conform me more into the image of His Son. If I really believe what I say I believe - then, now is my time to live it out! If when I sing "Blessed be Your Name though I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness...Blessed be Your Name...And when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say...Blessed be the Name of the Lord! Blessed be Your glorious Name!" by Matt Redman, now is the the time to experience what it means when I sing "Though, there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your Name!"
I must come to a place where I am content and joyful in the Lord (admittedly, I'm not there yet but I want to be) even if His answer is for us to never have children (I haven't given up hope yet either). If this is the same God (which of course He is) who gave His only Son for Aaron and me, to die on the cross and absorb all of His furious wrath for our sins... I most certainly can trust that He will never withhold anything good from us...His greatest good though may not always look "good" to us on this side of eternity. Jesus, when he was naked and bleeding on the cross didn't look good...How could a dismangled and dying man bring about the world's greatest good?! If you're a Christian, then it brought your salvation - You're not condemned to Hell! You're going to Heaven!
God has already been SO good to Aaron and me and I hope that for as many more months/years that go by where we struggle with this same disappointment, that we always remember the Gospel. And I'm thankful that the Truth in the Gospel isn't contingent on my feelings or circumstances - It will always remain true in spite of us!