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Thursday, August 26, 2010

3.5 Weeks Until FET # 2!

I started Lupron again on Sunday. I hate Lupron. Granted, the needle/shot itself is much easier than PIO, but Lupron gives me severe headaches. Unfortunately, the only medicine that ever seems to alleviate any of my headaches is Excedrin which is loaded in caffeine - and I don't need caffeine in excessive amounts prior to an embryo transfer/pregnancy (I drank a lot of caffeine prior to my mock transfer in March and Dr. K told me that day to limit my intake prior to embryo transfer). Lupron caused headaches the last time and after taking it for 4 days again this go around, the headaches are back! Lupron is depriving my body of estrogen, which is something that I have taken for granted. When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that God has made our bodies so wonderfully - that even things like estrogen make me feel the way I should. How could anyone believe in evolution rather than creation by an awesome God?!

My 1st ultrasound and lab is on Monday and if all looks good, then I'll begin Estrace (bring on the estrogen!) again on Wednesday. I can't believe that our 2nd embryo transfer (and hopefully the last one unless we return for genetic siblings later) is only 3.5 weeks away now! Praying, Praying, Praying!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Balancing Our Emotions with God's Truth

Lord willing, one month from today will be our 2nd embryo transfer. I'm excited and scared. I think the excitement comes and goes. The fear seems to stay. Two weeks ago, I was excited. This week has been very hard. I want this 2nd transfer to result in a continued pregnancy and live birth, but I know all too well that there are no guarantees even with healthy embryos. My heart feels like a mess right now. I am trying to find the balance of trusting God and hoping for a pregnancy and live birth, while also guarding my heart should God not have that in His perfect plan for us.

I know that we do not deserve a baby - all we deserve is an eternity in Hell due to our sinful rebellion against a holy God. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has already saved us from that horrific state, so we are always doing better than we deserve. If God should allow us to have a birthed baby (or babies), it won't be because we deserve will only be because He is blessing us with what we don't deserve. During our struggle with infertility and embryo adoption, through tears, I'm having to preach the Gospel to myself over and over and over...which isn't a bad thing...I should be doing that anyway. :)

But please, Lord, allow us to have one or more babies born as a result of our transfer next month...we want so much to raise and teach them Your Gospel!!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

House, Follow-Up Call, & 2nd FET

We have a contract on our first house and Lord willing, we will close in 30-40 days (right around the time of our embryo transfer)! We are very excited to become homeowners. :)

I had my follow-up call with Dr. K on Monday. He was very sorry that our embies didn't implant, but said that my body was perfect to receive them...they just didn't continue to grow and attach for unknown reasons. He said that there is nothing different that I need to do this next time around - no changes or adjustments in my meds (nor acupuncture or pineapple core - I asked him specifically about that!). It all comes down to God's sovereignty and His plan for the life of each embryo baby. All we can do is pray that the Lord would see fit to allow our next embies to attach to my uterus and continue growing.

Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Sunday, September 19th. I received my date and protocol today - it's basically the same as last time. I start Lupron on 8/22, 1st Ultrasound & Lab on 8/30, Start Estrace on 9/1, 2nd Ultrasound & Lab on 9/14, and begin PIO a few days prior to transfer.

Aaron and I discussed that if I had gotten pregnant from our July transfer, we would only be seeing each other mostly on the weekends which would have been really hard during early pregnancy (and my poor mother in law would have had to administer the PIO shots, which wouldn't have been fun for her, I'm sure!). So, this next time around would be better for a pregnancy - after we have closed on a house and will be back together everyday with a normal routine. I pray and hope that this is what God has in mind too.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

2nd Embryo Adoption

We received new profiles to review yesterday! The NEDC is doing things differently now. Rather than all couples having a closed adoption in the same transfer cycle receiving the profiles at the same time, each couple is given 24 hours to make a decision and then they're sent to the next couple and so on... So, rather than feeling like we were in a "time-crunch" like last time (remember how we responded to the email in 17 minutes?!), we were able to take all day and night thinking and praying about our decisions. We have chosen to adopt a set of 4 blastocysts and a set of 2 blastocysts (since the NEDC requires a total of 6 embryos in case some should not survive the thaw). Just like last time though, we are only considering our first set of 4 to be our children and are specifically praying for them to survive the thaw, implant, and that we could see their faces in June 2011! While we are still very saddened that we lost our first two babies, God has given us a renewed sense of joy and excitement about our next children - We can't wait for next month!!!

Also, this time around things will be different in that...
1) We originally wanted to raise an awareness about frozen embryos as a pro-life issue, so we were very vocal about each step in our adoption with our family, friends, Facebook, and blog. Now that we've raised an awareness, we want our next adoption to be a little more quiet and intimate. We will still keep our blog updated, but will not be posting anything on Facebook or really talking to anyone about it other than our immediate family members. Please keep following and commenting on our blog, though - We gladly welcome that! :)
2) I will be taking HPTs next time! I thought that seeing a negative HPT would be more difficult than hearing the news over the phone. However, I was wrong. When the phone call is the first time you're hearing the news that your children are no longer alive, it takes your breath away, and you lose all consciousness of what the nurse is saying regarding specific test results, etc. All you hear and comprehend are the words "negative beta." Also, I like what Jen said awhile back about celebrating their lives no matter how long the Lord allows you to do so (I hope it's okay that I linked this, Jen...If not, let me know!) .
3) We really have no expectations this time...we are simply following God's will for us to rescue these frozen lives regardless if that is continued life on earth or an eternal home in Heaven. Of course we are continuing ot pray that our next embryos would be healthy and have birth on this earth, but we know that regardless of how "healthy" an embryo may appear, that is not a measure of God's sovereign will.

All that to say, we're excited and invite you to follow us as we prepare for our Embryo Adoption #2!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Mission Accomplished

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have believed this verse for many years, but how could we know that Paul was absolutely right without being able to experience it for ourselves? We couldn't and we believe that is one reason why God allows suffering. While we are still sad and grieving the loss of our two children, God's grace has never been more real to us. We definitely feel prayers on our behalf and God's grace is indeed carrying us through this difficult time. I was even able to attend my friend's baby shower yesterday and share in her joy - that was definitely God's grace!

God, in His kindness, has also not given us much time to sit and dwell on this loss due to our move this weekend and looking to buy our first house (we were actually meeting with a realtor on Thursday when we received word that my beta was negative). Today is August 1st which means our 2nd embryo transfer will be next month! With all of that going on, we don't have much time to stay in the valley. We feel God's strength enabling us to move forward and look ahead to all He has in store - What grace!

And at the end of the day, our mission was accomplished. God called us to rescue these frozen lives and we did. They were frozen and now they have "woken up" in the arms of Jesus. We feel so privileged that God used us to build His Kingdom is such a special way! But, we are most definitely continuing to pray that He would allow our next children to have birth on this earth!

P.S. I begin BCPs tonight. We receive new profiles to review this week, and my new protocol should be sent in the next 2-3 weeks. Again, we are literally jumping right back into saving more frozen lives! And we are very excited to become parents again. :)