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Friday, October 1, 2010

Grieving to God's Glory

Although Jenn usually does the updating for this blog, I (Aaron)felt that I needed to share my heart right now. For those who haven't read Jennifer's most recent post, we just received word from the NEDC that Jenn's beta number was a 6. A 5 is considered non-pregnant. We had two positive home pregnancy tests on Wednesday and Thursday and were hoping for a strong number today. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

We took another home pregnancy test this afternoon and it came back negative. HCG levels don't go down and then back up, they go one direction or the other indicating a continued pregnancy or a miscarriage. Although we have to have another blood test done on Monday and continue the shots through then, we are accepting from God that our baby or babies have miscarried. I have total confidence that God can do all things. He has brought people back from the dead. However, we feel that God is clearly showing us that the babies are gone. We feel a peace in going ahead and accepting this.

I'm struggling on many levels right now. I don't know how to view the power of prayer in light of praying without doubting yet praying that God's will be done and not presuming upon anything.

I'm struggling in knowing how to love and relate to my wife. Amidst wonderful blessings, the greatest of which is our common salvation, we have been through a long season where many of our most shared emotions are those of shattered hope and sorrow instead of joy. After receiving our first ever two positive home pregnancy tests, we spent a day and a half sharing a joy that was precious. I saw a look in Jennifer's eyes that I thought I was getting ready to see each day for the rest of my life. We spent time in the mall and for the first time, were able to smile as we saw strollers and baby carriers go past. We felt for the first time that we belonged in the "normal" crowd and could relate to our friends the same age. We envisioned each corner of our new house through the eyes of a little one. That has been taken away and we are back to the too-common bond of sorrow and empty-hearts. All this grows us closer together, but we want to grow our marriage in joy, not in pain.

I'm struggling in feeling like a good husband and provider to my wife. I want to give my wife the joy of continued motherhood but am powerless to do this. It is so hard to want to give a gift to the person you love most and not be able to. It is hard keep seeing your best efforts at giving that gift fall short.

I struggle with jealousy. It frustrates me to see fathers and husbands who have no problem experiencing the privilege of raising children in this world.

And in all of these things, I struggle with learning how to glorify God and live all of life to make much of Him. I know the answers to all of the struggles that I just listed and could counsel any person on the proper theological responses to them. Living that out is hard though. In that sense, I wanted to write this post to say that I know the following truths and want to live my life proclaiming them:

1) God is all powerful.
2) God is good.
3) God is sovereign.
4) God, through the display of His Gospel, is the answer to all of our struggles.
5) We can grieve to His glory.
6) God died and rose again to take all sorrow away and reverse the curse forever.
7) Our greatest hope is in a world awaiting us.

I am struggling, but I am comforted. I am crying, but I am held. We long to love born children, but know that we are loved born-again children. We feel empty, but we believe in Him. That is the work of the child of God, to believe in the One whom the Father sent and cling to Him at all times. Father, we are believing and clinging to You right now. Please make much of Yourself through our lives!



Ashley said...

Thanks for your honesty, Aaron. I think I can say that Dusty and I are feeling exactly the same things. It's so hard to understand the positive that can come out of this but we trust God's sovereignty. Praying for you and Jennifer tonight!

Britney said...

What a beautiful and completely raw post. Wow. Jennifer is so blessed to have you by her side during this time. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for God's leading and guidance as you struggle to understand this pain and what God is doing in its midst. I am here for you both.

Holly said...

Aaron, Thanks for your update and for posting for Jennifer as I am sure she has no words right now, as I have none myself. My heart is broken for you, I know things like this are hard to understand and times like these that test our faith the most, so just keep standing where you are.

It is okay to be sad and disappointed, hurt, jealous-all those feelings are part of what makes us human.

I will be praying for you and Jenn and your babies tonight.

You are an amazing husband, just take her in your arms, hug her close and tell her everything will be all right, because, in time, it will.

Tracy Waring said...

My heart is breaking for you both tonight. Praying for the Lord's comfort...Thank you for sharing your heart.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you both. We are weeping with you.

Leslie said...

Oh, Aaron and Jennifer. I am so broken hearted for you. I sit here with tears in my eyes, questions in my heart, but hope. I am praying for you. Thank you for the sacrifice of love you have given those precious babies. What a picture this is to me of the sacrifice and suffering of Christ to secure me eternal life with him. They are rejoicing with Jesus, and one day we will join them. I continue to pray that the Lord will graciously bless you with children to raise here on earth. I love you both, and am here if there is anything I can do. God fill you with his peace.

Leigh said...

There are truly no words. I am so so sorry that you and Jennifer are going through this, Gray and I are praying for you both!

Anonymous said...

Aaron, though we don't know you personally, we have been following your blog and just want to say that we are awed by your faith and we see that in the midst of grief you ARE making much of Him. My husband Jason and I are praying for you and Jennifer and are believing God for His perfect and sovereign plan for ALL of the children He will give you, both born and born again. Thank you so much for being so open and honest. Your words brought us both to tears.

Unknown said...

Aaron, your last few paragraphs are a stand-alone sermon in itself, to all who read your blog (myself included). Thank you for posting it, and know that you and Jennifer are loved by so many. I'll continue to be praying for y'all.

Heather said...

Aaron, your words are completely inspired by the Lord and it is a blessing to read your heart. I am so sorry and am weeping with you and Jennifer this heart breaks for you both. And yet I am awed by your honesty and the way you are continuing to lean on Him and give Him glory. May His healing arms wrap around you both as you grieve.

Unknown said...

Aaron, THANK YOU for sharing your heart. You are such a good dad. Thank you for continuing to give God the glory even in this unpleasant season. He WILL give you the desires of your heart. Don't give up. Give Jen a hug... Praying for you!

Elizabeth (and Dan) said...

My heart is heavy and burdened for you both. Please know that you have an army of people praying for you. I will pray specifically that God would keep you both from bitterness and bring hope in this difficult situation.

Krisa said...

We have been and will continue to pray for you and Jennifer. Our hearts and hurting for you right now.

Lisa said...

I wish I had great words of comfort for you and Jennifer! The situation stinks! But I so admire your attitudes and will continue to pray that God will give you peace.

Tracey said...

Thanks so much for sharing so honestly and from your heart. I absolutely know that God is being glorified through you both as you continue to share your hope in HIM. I pray that God will give you His abundant peace, mercy and grace through this grieving season. We are praying for you guys.

Nikki said...

Jennifer, I'm planning on going to Gastonia in the next two weeks, hopefully sometime this week. Would you like to meet up? I wasn't sure if you changed your email address, so could you email me?