Although Jenn usually does the updating for this blog, I (Aaron)felt that I needed to share my heart right now. For those who haven't read Jennifer's most recent post, we just received word from the NEDC that Jenn's beta number was a 6. A 5 is considered non-pregnant. We had two positive home pregnancy tests on Wednesday and Thursday and were hoping for a strong number today. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
We took another home pregnancy test this afternoon and it came back negative. HCG levels don't go down and then back up, they go one direction or the other indicating a continued pregnancy or a miscarriage. Although we have to have another blood test done on Monday and continue the shots through then, we are accepting from God that our baby or babies have miscarried. I have total confidence that God can do all things. He has brought people back from the dead. However, we feel that God is clearly showing us that the babies are gone. We feel a peace in going ahead and accepting this.
I'm struggling on many levels right now. I don't know how to view the power of prayer in light of praying without doubting yet praying that God's will be done and not presuming upon anything.
I'm struggling in knowing how to love and relate to my wife. Amidst wonderful blessings, the greatest of which is our common salvation, we have been through a long season where many of our most shared emotions are those of shattered hope and sorrow instead of joy. After receiving our first ever two positive home pregnancy tests, we spent a day and a half sharing a joy that was precious. I saw a look in Jennifer's eyes that I thought I was getting ready to see each day for the rest of my life. We spent time in the mall and for the first time, were able to smile as we saw strollers and baby carriers go past. We felt for the first time that we belonged in the "normal" crowd and could relate to our friends the same age. We envisioned each corner of our new house through the eyes of a little one. That has been taken away and we are back to the too-common bond of sorrow and empty-hearts. All this grows us closer together, but we want to grow our marriage in joy, not in pain.
I'm struggling in feeling like a good husband and provider to my wife. I want to give my wife the joy of continued motherhood but am powerless to do this. It is so hard to want to give a gift to the person you love most and not be able to. It is hard keep seeing your best efforts at giving that gift fall short.
I struggle with jealousy. It frustrates me to see fathers and husbands who have no problem experiencing the privilege of raising children in this world.
And in all of these things, I struggle with learning how to glorify God and live all of life to make much of Him. I know the answers to all of the struggles that I just listed and could counsel any person on the proper theological responses to them. Living that out is hard though. In that sense, I wanted to write this post to say that I know the following truths and want to live my life proclaiming them:
1) God is all powerful.
2) God is good.
3) God is sovereign.
4) God, through the display of His Gospel, is the answer to all of our struggles.
5) We can grieve to His glory.
6) God died and rose again to take all sorrow away and reverse the curse forever.
7) Our greatest hope is in a world awaiting us.
I am struggling, but I am comforted. I am crying, but I am held. We long to love born children, but know that we are loved born-again children. We feel empty, but we believe in Him. That is the work of the child of God, to believe in the One whom the Father sent and cling to Him at all times. Father, we are believing and clinging to You right now. Please make much of Yourself through our lives!