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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Please Bear With Me For Awhile...

I hate and love when the Holy Spirit convicts my heart of sin. I hate it because I'm reminded once again how wicked my heart truly is and how wretched I am apart from Christ. I love it because I'm forced to run to the Cross of Christ and am pushed deeper into the glories of Calvary - where I realize how amazing His grace truly is for a sinner such as myself!

All this to say that He has convicted me of sin lately. The first sin is idolatry. While we believe God called us to EA, I have made the hope of holding children in my arms an idol. I have felt "hopeless" a lot recently, which revealed to me that I have an idol. Since JESUS is my HOPE, I should never feel hopeless. When I do feel hopeless, I have replaced God with a "god" of my own desires. The second sin is jealousy. When God hasn't given me my desires yet, but I see others becoming pregnant and birthing babies thru EA, I'm jealous. A year ago, I was encouraged and excited when EA mommies were posting pregnancy updates, because I would think "This works and will hopefully be me soon!" However, after 1 negative beta and 1 very early miscarriage, I am no longer as excited, but rather jealous. I want to want what God in His kindness and sovereignty has chosen not to give me at this point. Both idolatry and envy are sins that nailed my Savior to the cross - I cannot take these sins lightly. By His grace, I must repent and do everything I can to flee temptation.

Thus, I am thinking that I may be a little more quiet with the blogging world for awhile. I may or may not post many details about our 3rd embryo transfer. I want to focus on Jesus and His will for Aaron and me. His plan will unfold beautifully in His time. Also, I may not read or comment on other blogs as much right now. Please know that I love and am continuing to pray for you guys. However, my greatest priority is Jesus and if I find that my heart is tempted to dishonor Him thru jealousy some days more than others, I may choose not to read your posts. But, on days when I more feel His grace empowering me to fight sin, I will choose to read and comment. Please bear with me for awhile. :)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

13 comments:

Jen said...

Your honesty is so beautiful. Don't be too hard on yourself though. We know you are hurting. Know we're here whenever you need us, but we also understand your need for space. Hugs.

Britney said...

I agree. I love your raw honesty. And I have been where you are. I, too, for a very long time idolized pregnancy. The Holy Spirit convicted me as well. Slowly, surely, you will start to re-want what God has for you more than what you want for you. I do believe He has placed this God-given desire in your heart, and He will fulfill it or take it away.
You are consistently in my prayers. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Lord -- please just cradle Jennifer right now. Thank you for Your beautiful plan for her that You are unfolding behind the scenes as we speak. we know and trust You are working on her behalf for good that will bring glory to you. Thank you for her spirit and desire to honor and be obedient to you. We pray. We believe. We ask. We expect. Thank you for being such an awesome God.

Sarah said...

We've only just "met", but I truly feel your pain. My husband and I battled infertility for over five years before we adopted our son through domestic adoption. It wasn't until we discovered EA 7 1/2 years into our infertility journey that I've finally been able to stop envying pregnancy. I may be in the category of one your choose not to read during this time, but please know I will be the first to encourage you to take a step back for a while if that's what you feel like is best for you. None of us are perfect, and thank God He doesn't expect us to be! The fact that you wrote this post shows your heart is headed in the right direction. I admire you for your strength in admitting this -- I wasn't ever bold enough to do that to those around me and am ashamed to say I just let things take root in my heart for too long until I was forced to face them! You'll be in my prayers!

jesswilson said...

I remember feeling the same way and my husband lovingly showed me that I had placed having a baby above my relationship with God. It was only when I realized this that I was able to focus on HIM and have true peace. Your feelings are totally normal. My sister-in-law and I were trying at the same time to get pregnant, and I was releived each month when it didn't happen for her...when she finally was pregnant I had mixed emotions and cried out of pity for me the first time I heard my nephew's heartbeat. It's not something I'm proud of, but they were my feelings. Hang in there and focus on God. HE has a plan for you.

Ashley said...

Your honesty is admirable! Keeping you and Aaron in my prayers.

Lisa said...

Take all the time off blogger land that you need. We will continue to pray for you guys.

Ellie said...

God bless you for your post. Thank you for your obedience to the Lord...it is both inspiring, but also convicting (ouch) to me...as I'm struggling with this same idol.

Jeremiah 33:3

Tracey said...

We completely understand you needing to take a break. I would definitely need the same thing! Thanks so much for your honesty and for allowing us the privilege of getting a glimpse into your relationship with Christ. I feel blessed. Grateful for you!

Lacie said...

Jen,
Please don't lose sight of the fact that what you are feeling is completely normal. You are allowed to want a baby with all of your heart. You are allowed to feel jealousy and anger and loneliness. These are all very real emotions and you should not feel guilty for having them. You can love God at the same time you are feeling these other things. It's okay.

"Also, I may not read or comment on other blogs as much right now."

Well then I'll consider myself lucky to have had a supportive comment from you today, thankyouverymuch!
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com

Christina said...

I'll be thinking of you!

mcmiracle.com said...

Would love to find a way to get your email and stay in touch. Jason and I feel connected with you and Aaron! If you go on our blog there is a contact us link where you can email our blog email and then I can give you our personal email. Wanted to share this sermon with you two (cause how you are handling all of this reminds me of the message)...one of my favorites...you are in my prayers, and we are here to support you guys however we can!

Kate

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/suffering-to-worship

Heather said...

I agree with so many others - your honesty and willingness to show your heart is so beautiful. I know God is blessing your desire to put Him first above all else. I remember those feelings all too well sweetie...I've been there too, where wanting a baby in my arms was my highest priority and my hope slipped through my fingers so many times. It was always so convicting to remember that my hope is in Christ, not in a child. But at the same time, our hearts long for a child and God knows that...and I am praying He will wrap you in His arms and comfort you during this time. Hugs, sweetie.

Room for More said...

I completely understand. I have had 6 children taken home way too soon for my heart to handle at times. We are here and praying behind the scenes.