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Monday, October 4, 2010

Moving Forward

We were prepared for the news today and it came...our baby is completely gone from earth and is now in Heaven. We now have 6 children in Heaven and we've never gotten to meet any of them on earth. It hurts. It's a pain like none other. I hate feeling this. I don't understand. We are trusting that God has a greater plan even though we cannot understand it right now. We will choose to bring Him glory through our pain even when living life is difficult and when we are tempted to feel that our hope of ever holding children in our arms is almost gone.

What are we doing now? Since the NEDC allows a maximum of 3 transfers per couple in their program, we will return next month for one last time. Honestly, we don't want to go back - it feels like we are setting ourselves up for heartbreak once again. After our negative beta in July, we were extremely sad but also excited about our 2nd transfer - not this time. At the moment, I'm actually dreading it. We are going back simply because we believe that God called us to embryo adoption back in 2006 to save lives (before our infertility diagnosis in 2009) and we are committed to saving frozen lives until the very end. We don't want to walk away until God has completely closed the door and has made it clear for us to enter a new chapter in our lives. Our efforts have not been in vain because all 6 of our frozen embryos are now out of the freezer and with the Lord - and the same will be true with our final transfer - either continued life on earth or an eternal life in Heaven. We have spent the past year and a half pursuing embryo adoption, so we need to push through no matter how painful our journey has been - for the babies' sake. Whatever the outcome is for this last attempt, we will begin pursuing children with a new chapter in 2011.

Since we haven't found a church home here yet (we just moved in last week and have just been attending church in Columbia with our family for the past 2 months), we don't have a pastor here yet. Our pastor in Greensboro was kind enough to meet with us today for counsel and prayer. We are seeking God as to what our next step should be after our final NEDC transfer next month. Perhaps, we won't need to have a new plan, but we are preparing ourselves for that should God want us to pursue another avenue.

16 comments:

Christina said...

Jennifer--I'm so sorry that you guys have this pain. I told Ashley this also, but I really hope that the third time's the charm for you!

Britney said...

It sounds like this is a very prayerful and considered decision with an eye toward's God's will. I just have to believe that God will honor and bless that kind of obedience and trust. I know He does.

Krisa said...

I so admire your commitment these precious lives. I can only imagine how hard this must be on you in many ways. We will be there for you, friend! Hugs to you! Krisa

heathermohr said...

You are just so amazing. I am so sorry that you'll only hold these babies in heaven, but they are STILL your babies. And eternity is so much more than this time we have on earth.

I truly hope the next time is it for you.

happymomof2 said...

So sorry for all the pain and loss. I hope I can have the outlook you have if our transfer fails. I hope and pray that the third time is the charm:) God Bless

Lisa said...

I hope you won't have to experience this pain a third time. I know it will be hard on you to go through it again and I admire your commitment and pray that you will be successful this time around!

Ashley said...

I hate what we're experiencing but am glad to have a friend to walk through this heartache with. I'm getting excited and hopeful again and that's what I'm praying for for you and Aaron- hope! I think it's important to keep us out of the pits of despair. Remember, there are so many people praying for us- God is being glorified through our lives.

Shirley said...

Hi Jennifer, you don't know me, I found your blog through my friend Tracey. I'm so sorry for your suffering and I truly understand as I had 3 failed IVFs myself. My husband and I probably know exactly how y'all feel and I will briefly share our story in case it can offer any encouragement. Our agreed-upon plan if the 3rd IVF did not work was to pursue child adoption but my husband, for whatever reason, changed his mind and strongy wanted us to do a 4th IVF. I was deeply hurt, felt like he'd pulled the rug out from under me, and most definitely did not want to do IVF again... why spend our money and emotion on something that had not worked 3 times? But I began to believe that it was God's will for me to follow my husband's desire, and the 4th IVF brought our twin boys. I've shuddered many times to think what would have resulted if I'd "stood my ground" and held my husband to his earlier promise. After all, he could not help that his feelings had changed, they just did. All this to say that what I learned is that following God's will is the most important thing no matter what, that his plan is always the best. Whatever his plan and path for y'all to become parents will be the best plan ever!!! Through it all, I tried my best, any time I noticed anyone who was pregnant or with babies, I would physically lift up my head to look at God and fix my mind and eyes on him and remember that he had a plan for us. It was the only thing I could do. Take care! (I want to share this story with Ashley too so I will probably just copy it to her blog as well).

Elizabeth and Dan said...

I had that you have had to experience such pain and frustration. I am praying for you both and even though it is hard to have hope after such disappointment I will have hope for you!

jesswilson said...

Jennifer,

Praying that you will have peace that passes understanding during this difficult time. You and Aaron are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracy Waring said...

I honestly feel like I have no words to speak to you because your heart seems exactly where the Lord desires it...Trusting Him and seeking His will completely~through the pain and disappointments and into our unknown futures. Praying for the Lord's peace to help you through this next adventure. t.

Jen: Proud Mom of 7 Adopted Miracle Blessings said...

I am so sorry, if as the time comes closer to the 3rd transfer and you still have such negative feelings towards it, why not wait a month or two and let God bring peace to your heart and mind before "jumping" back in?

Just a thought....

Hugs!!!

happymomof2 said...

Sending you ((HUGS)) I have been thinking about you all, and praying for you.
Wanted to let you know I nominated you for a blog award:)

Lacie said...

"After our negative beta in July, we were extremely sad but also excited about our 2nd transfer - not this time. At the moment, I'm actually dreading it."

I get this feeling. I truly do. I promise that after you take the time that you need, by the time you are preparing for the third transfer, you will be excited as you were for the first. That's just the way it is when you are a mom at heart!
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com

Diane said...

Jennifer--thanks for visiting my blog! I have been following your story and praying for you and your husband (and your precious babies!) during these last few weeks. You already have been a huge inspiration to me on this journey and are part of the reason I decided to start blogging myself. I will keep praying for you as you keep moving forward with what God has planned for you.

Diane
snowflakesintherain.blogspot.com

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Your faith is amazing and I know how hard it is to keep the faith so strong when you're hurting. ((((HUGS)))