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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Grace for the Moment

Well, we had tons of fun on our road trip to Atlanta, Memphis, and back home! We didn't get any pictures, though - We couldn't really deem anything "picture worthy." Aaron was sick most of the trip and had to take a visit to the local urgent care in Memphis to get a Z-Pack. But, we did enjoy seeing our extended family. :)

We're still waiting to complete our paperwork for Bethany Christian before we can begin our interviews. However, not paperwork from our end. Our references were mailed last week, so Bethany should receive them soon. And, Aaron has to contact his HR department tomorrow to see if/when they have mailed his "employment verification." Once Bethany receives all of this, we should be moving again! :)

The past few weeks have been extremely hard for me...I want a child so badly - to have so much love to offer a child, yet not have one in our arms today is indeed painful. I've cried many tears at the strangest times - in the car, during sermons, applying make-up, sitting on my sofa...I even woke up Friday morning @ 2:30am sobbing because I longed for a child so much. I'm not grieving the hard truth that we can't naturally conceive biological children - I couldn't care less if our children looked like us and had our genes. I'm grieving that I don't have any child today-nor do I have 100% guarantee that I ever will (though I believe it likely that we will at some point). And it saddens me even more to know that there are millions of orphans and unborn children in frozen storage tanks that I can't love TODAY!!! With each tear that I've cried though, my precious Lord has been so close. I've had to preach the Gospel to myself over and over and over again (as we all should do constantly) - that God is good because He killed His Son in my place and that He has already forgiven me from what I do deserve which is to burn in Hell for all eternity. And that He has also blessed me with every spiritual blessing in Christ...And not having children today is a small issue in comparison to that Truth in light of eternity. I've also been comforted by these Scriptures: "You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" - Psalm 56:8 and "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD." - Psalm 113:9

Nonetheless, it's still very difficult when I feel that all of my girlfriends have started playdates, and their conversations revolve around prenatal check-ups, feeding schedules, naptimes,etc... And I am very aware that I no longer fit in with the young marrieds anymore... But, God does give us grace in our time of need - Praise Him! :)

4 comments:

Katie said...

My dear Jennifer,

How I understand your pain! I have been there, and I know how it feels to want that child so badly, it's painful.

I am praying for you constantly that you will have the "peace that passes all understanding".

Katie

Leigh said...

I understand 100%. it's hard but soon enough, in God's time it will be perfect.

embieadoptmom said...

You will be pregnant before we know it! Cannot wait to see your BFP!! Hugs and prayers as you wait friend!

Susan Sene said...

So sorry you're having to go through this - and I pray the Lord will bless you with a child soon. Don't feel bad about being sad though...I don't think there's anything wrong with that. God gave us emotions and understands your pain. Just keep preaching the gospel to yourself...praying for you!